Finding A Reason To Live When You're Feeling Suicidal
Start writing a post
Suicide Prevention

Finding A Reason To Live When You're Feeling Suicidal

What is my purpose?

5294
Finding A Reason To Live When You're Feeling Suicidal

Content warning: Depression and suicidal thoughts

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

The other day, I had an excruciating day. I'm not going to give the details as to why since it's personal matters, but nonetheless, my depression was horrific that day. Honestly, I was so depressed that it was making me anxious... to the point that I began having a panic attack mixed with a bad depressive episode. When I felt it coming on, I went and hid in my room, locking the door. Right when I locked the door, my thoughts began to dive to unfathomable depths. The following thoughts and variations of them crossed my mind as I sat on my bed with tears streaming down my face:

"You know... the pain would end if I just ended my life."

"It's not like anyone would care if I died any way."

With each thought, I felt me sinking into a mental quicksand. The true me, not the depressed me, was hidden deep among the dark storm cloud formed by my depression, and I could hear her fighting, Every suicidal thought that arose, I felt the true me screaming at me, telling me that it wasn't true, none of it was true. I felt true me trying to make it out of the storm clouds with a flashlight, but this all being said, I felt depressed me fighting back as well. Two versions of me were at war, and I was frozen on my bed with fear that the depressed me was going to win,

You see, depressed me made quite a bold move. If you've ever seen the movie It, there is this one scene where Pennywise manipulates a projector to attack all of the kids (photo below for reference).

YouTube

The projector starts whirring through images at an alarming rate, making the pictures seem like a video (and eventually revealing Pennywise). Depressed me started doing this, but with all the different ways that I could commit suicide (I don't want to list what came to mind as I do not want to possibly give someone a method for their suicide). This was the first time that something like this has happened to such an extreme, and it genuinely terrified me. I want to live, more than you could possibly believe, but it's hard when you have a brain that is hard-wired to tell you otherwise.

Right after this terrifying slideshow brought to you by my depression, true me found its way out of the depression's storm cloud. True me had me lift my right index and middle finger to my pulse residing between my jaw and my neck. I felt the bum bum, bum bum, bum bum of my heartbeat, and said aloud to myself:

"Katherine Lucy, feel that heartbeat. Feel its rhythm, feel how it fills you with life. This, this right here is your purpose. As long as this heart is beating, you have a purpose here on this earth. Let each beat remind you that you are loved and you are wanted. We are not leaving this earth until God takes us from it, okay? So we're gonna keep fighting because we are not done yet."

This was the first time that I have used this coping mechanism to fight suicidal thoughts, and I was surprised at how effective it was. I actually picked it up from a show on Netflix called Girls Incarcerated, which is about teenage girls in prison (I've been fascinated by shows about what life is like in prison recently... couldn't tell you why). I think it's so effective, at least for me, because my heartbeat is tangible. It's not solely someone telling me that I have a purpose on this earth, but it's me. It's me telling myself that I am here for a reason. I can't escape the feeling of my heartbeat like I can escape the words coming from someone else's mouth.

Now, I'm no medical professional or psychologist, but I am a normal person with a terrifying mental illness. And for my fellow people suffering from this terror, I really suggest trying this out:

1. Find your pulse

2. Let yourself feel that heartbeat for about one or two minutes.

3. Say the following, out loud, to yourself: "You feel that? That heartbeat is your purpose. As long as this heart is beating, you have a purpose here in this world. Each beat tells me that I am loved and that I am wanted, despite what my depression may tell me."

4. Repeat one-three times, or as many times as needed.

Keep fighting, fighter. You're not done yet.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

937885
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

114729
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lots of people sat on the cinema wearing 3D glasses
Pinterest

Ever wonder what your friend meant when they started babbling about you taking their stapler? Or how whenever you ask your friend for a favor they respond with "As You Wish?" Are you looking for new and creative ways to insult your friends?

Well, look no further. Here is a list of 70 of the most quotable movies of all time. Here you will find answers to your questions along with a multitude of other things such as; new insults for your friends, interesting characters, fantastic story lines, and of course quotes to log into your mind for future use.

Keep Reading...Show less
New Year Resolutions

It's 2024! You drank champagne, you wore funny glasses, and you watched the ball drop as you sang the night away with your best friends and family. What comes next you may ask? Sadly you will have to return to the real world full of work and school and paying bills. "Ah! But I have my New Year's Resolutions!"- you may say. But most of them are 100% complete cliches that you won't hold on to. Here is a list of those things you hear all around the world.

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

The Ultimate Birthday: Unveiling the Perfect Day to Celebrate!

Let's be real, the day your birthday falls on could really make or break it.

91343
​different color birthday candles on a cake
Blacksburg Children's Museum

You heard it here first: birthdays in college are some of the best days of your four years. For one day annually, you get to forget about your identity as a stressed, broke, and overworked student, and take the time to celebrate. You can throw your responsibilities for a day, use your one skip in that class you hate, receive kind cards and gifts from loved ones and just enjoy yourself.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments