I have been wanting to write this article for a while, but every time I sit down to write it, I have no idea what to say. It’s hard to put these feelings into words, and if you’ve gone through it before, you know what I mean. It’s a loss that is so different from any other, and you truly cannot understand it unless you've gone through it yourself.

You share everything with your siblings, clothes, toys, your parents, everything. You share an inseparable bond that is like no other. You may fight and yell and there may be “sibling rivalry” but no one is a better best friend than your sibling. The loss of a sibling sometimes gets looked over, brushed aside. Nothing is worse than losing your kids, or your wife or husband, or your parents they say. But I think the grief one feels after a loss of a sibling is one of the worst there is. They are not someone you’re ever prepared to lose, unlike your grandparents, and eventually your parents. They were supposed to be there for everything, to give you advice, to be your maid of honor, to be the crazy aunt, to be there when you’re old and grey. And what are you supposed to do when not only your best friend in life, your partner in crime, but your family too, is suddenly gone forever.

I remember the day perfectly, every last second of it. The day my entire life flipped upside down, they day my life changed forever. I remember thinking that it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be, how were we all supposed to go on without the most amazing person in our life? There was just no way. Although losing her was the most horrible thing to ever happen to me, to my family, there’s so many life lessons I learned. I learned to be the kindest person I could possibly be, because if I were to die tomorrow, how would I want to be remembered?

My sister was the most caring, funny, and kind person you could ever meet. She was friends with everyone, and no one ever had anything bad to say about her. She taught me to live everyday like it could be my last, it sounds cliche but it is so true. I gained a new appreciation for my family. She taught me to be the best person I could be. Even though my big sister is gone, I still look up to her and strive to be more like her everyday.

It’s been years and it still hurts. Not just on her birthday, the day she died, or holidays. Yes, those days are particularly horrible, those are the days where our hearts ache endlessly, but everyday still hurts. It hurts when I hear the songs come on that she would play in the car when she picked me up from camp. It hurts when I see a butterfly, and think of her. It hurts when anything monumental happens in my life and I want to tell her, or when something bad happens and I’m sad, and need advice. It hurts when the sky is extra blue, and it hurts when it rains. It hurts growing up without her. It always hurts, but that’s okay, it always will. I lost a part of myself that day, and I will never be whole without her, so it is okay not to be okay sometimes.

“The point was I had a sister. She was fantastic. One day I'm sure I'll see her again. But until then, our relationship continues." -My Sister’s Keeper