What follows is a commentary on my experience with dating and hookup culture at Babson College, a private business school of over two thousand overachievers and entrepreneurs in Wellesley, Massachusetts. This discussion is framed by the relationships, almost-relationships, and romantic encounters — most of which have been heterosexual — I have either personally experienced or heard about in my 2-ish years as a college student at Babson.
It was tough to write this article. To keep focus, I chose to intentionally leave out the following topics: the relationship between hookup culture and sexual assault on our campus, unhealthy and/or abusive relationships, how fraternity and sorority life is positioned in this conversation, and gender roles in relationships. These considerations are important and necessary to discuss at another time and in another place. Reach out if you want to further this conversation; my email is ilaochaisri1@babson.edu!
When it comes to dating and hookup culture at Babson College, the school I currently attend, there are two things that I know to be true:
1. More often than not, hooking up at parties starts the "So, what does this mean?" conversation. Some people try hanging out, others find it plain awkward to approach their one night stand. I know of one couple who has successfully turned their hookup relationship into a committed and sustainable one, but the trend is definitely not commitment.
2. The ratio between people hooking up and going on dates is around 9:1. I’m intrigued by number 2. Let us recall the survey that voted our school’s alumni as least dateable last fall. How did this happen? Why did this happen? And most importantly, what the heck does this ranking mean for the two thousand of us on campus right now?
I read Leah Marie Fessler’s creative writing thesis on hookup culture at Middlebury College this summer. The whole thing. I was struck by my overwhelming curiosity for the topic, and Leah’s thesis casted a critical lens on my personal experience — as well as the experiences I’ve learned about from close friends — with dating and hookup culture at Babson. To date, I have been in one long-term relationship at college, seeing a few guys intermittently since that relationship ended. I am currently single and, almost as a golden rule, refrain from singular and repeated hookup situations. I arrived at this attitude after exploring my personal comfort level with hooking up, and do not wish to impose my boundaries on others. That’s not what this article is about. I am also disinterested in unraveling the semantics of “hooking up” as a phrase college students use to describe singular, usually commitment-less physical engagements, ranging from making out to sex. The whole spectrum applies to this conversation.
Instead, let’s talk about how we can shape our romantic relationships into robust opportunities for personal growth. There exists a perception that committing to long term relationships in college equals stagnation. Doing so bogs excitable twenty-somethings down and limits the amount of fun they can have in their romantic and, for those who are sexually active, sexual lives. I contest that relationships offer priceless insights on what values, characteristics, and dynamics matter to us in romantic partners and close friends. When done right, we can make the relationship work to propel each individual’s life trajectory. That dynamic will be unique to each couple, but once the precedent has been set, the fun gets better: getting to know a person beyond the stories they regularly share, experiencing conflict and collaborative resolution, and learning how to care for another person while and by caring for yourself. These skills are important in all dimensions of our adult lives and, with the right partner, the tone of a relationship can be set to explore all of these things and more.
Here’s the question at the heart of it all: when we find someone attractive, why do more of us try to “get with them” rather than try to get to know the person better? Unless my perception of the dating climate at Babson is seriously skewed, there are too many conversations that begin with “I hooked up with X last night” and not enough that start with “I had coffee with X yesterday and they were pretty cool.” Is fear of commitment becoming a scapegoat for lack of effort? What does this mean for how we are learning and growing during the most crucial developmental years of our early adult lives? How do these habits set the tone for our relationships later in life?
Babson, I say we try to do better than least dateable. It will take a collective consciousness to shift the culture, but maybe we can start by actually going on dates. Grab coffee at the our new Starbucks in Horn. Go for a walk while the weather’s still nice, or kayaking in the Charles. Grab a Max Brenner hot chocolate and walk on Newbury when it’s a little colder. Take a walk around the Wellesley lake. Go mini-golfing. Hell, grab some Pinkberry in Linden Square. Focus on understanding the person, their story, how they got to where they are, and where they want to go next. The worst that could happen is that you make a new friend.
