If you have a tattoo, you've heard them.
The long list of questions about your various tattoos from: grandparents, acquaintances, teachers, parents, kids, co-workers, friends, enemies, and the occasional stranger.
Why is it that people that don't have tattoos are so infatuated with those that do? The world may never know, but we do know exactly what they're about to ask when you see them spot your body art.
Question: (The most common offender) But what does it mean?
Answer: This question is typically asked by a stranger in a shopping mall, restaurant, or some other public place. It’s not that I don’t get it, I do. Sometimes I see someone with a really badass looking sleeve and I am curious about where the inspiration came from. However, innocent curiosity is not to be confused with a middle aged stranger asking you with skepticism in their eyes just so they can hope to catch you saying “Oh, nothing,” and they can give you a lecture on how your body was made to be left alone.
Tell that to whoever did your permanent lip liner, lady.
Question: What will you look like when you’re older?
Answer: A lot more badass than you.
Question: But aren’t you worried about getting a job?
Answer: HANDS DOWN the most obnoxious question that I hear, especially as a soon-to-be graduate. While yes, some old-school companies still frown upon visible tattoos, this is 2015 and having tattoos does not automatically move you to the bottom of the “hire-me” barrel. And if I’m being completely honest? Any company that refuses to hire me because of my self expression is not a company that I want to work for.
BOOM.
Question: But what will your (fictitious) girlfriend or boyfriend’s parents say?
Answer: Believe it or not, I have gotten this on numerous occasions. All I have to say is, it’s a little disconcerting that you are concerned about my potential future significant other’s parents…because I’m not. Again, this is not 1950.
Question: What if you gain weight there?
Answer: I'm sorry, are you anticipating me becoming a balloon? If my bicep expands so much that my tattoo is suddenly three times the size of the original piece…then I suppose I got my money’s worth. The same goes for those people who stress about what pregnancy will do to tattoos -- more to love, right?
Question: Will you let your kids get them?
Answer: First of all, noneofyodamnbidness.
Second of all, most people with tattoos aren’t going to damn their children for expressing themselves in the same way that they’ve chosen to, unless it’s with an infinity sign on their wrist (seriously, stop doing that).
And to answer the unspoken part of that question: no, I won't think my kids are lame if they don't want to get tattoos, either.
Question: Wanna see mine?
Answer: Unless you actually know the tattooed person that you’re speaking to, the answer is no. I get where you’re coming from; seeing someone else’s body art makes you want to show off your own. However, awkwardly lifting up your shirt in the local Wal-Mart to show a stranger the sparrow tattoo on your ribs is weird and unnecessary.
Question: Did it hurt?
Answer: I don’t know, why don’t you stick yourself with a needle repeatedly and tell me how it feels?
Question: But why did you decide to put it there?
Answer: Because I wanted it there. I’ve never understood this question, probably because I’ve never really been able to come up with what the person is looking for. Like, I wanted it kind of big and this thigh so phat it fits there nicely?? Stop it. Just stop it.
Question: Did you know *Insert obnoxious fact about tattoo removal here*?
Answer: Don't act like you didn't look up that statistic to have on hand in case you wanted to put some innocent, tattooed bystander on blast. Go away.
Question: But what about when you wear a wedding dress?
Answer: No, I was not concerned about what my wedding pictures would look like when I got that tattoo 3 years ago…and I’m still not. If you think that something as trivial as having a tattoo showing will have that much of an effect on one day of your life, you’re doing it wrong.
Do you, my friends. Do you.
