I can’t help but to associate my awkward high school photographs with a theoretical sour and bitter taste in my mouth. This particular taste happens to resurface every time I see Facebook friends posting throwback challenges of themselves; one photograph taken during high school and the other photograph taken recently. Oh, the (embarrassing) memories. Remembering how socially awkward I was almost makes me want to forget my high school experience in its entirety.
Growing up, I never felt up to par with the kids my age. Athletics, academics, popularity – I was the epitome of “below average” on my school’s standardized testing grade scale. The moment people realized I wasn’t as talented, intelligent, attractive, or as outgoing as I could potentially be, my self value seemingly became irrelevant. It hurt to feel dispensable. I’m not trying to look down on myself, it’s just how life works. It wasn’t cool to be friends with the ugly duckling who was bad at sports and even worse at everything else. Nothing came easy for me, especially when anxiety had constructed a mental block – leaving me with the mentality that I was never going to be good enough. And man, I was bugging out.
For years, I daydreamed of another life when I wasn’t even living mine.
I would watch shows wishing I was the starring actress. I was always wanting what others had. I had become the queen of wishful thinking. All I wanted was a life where I was talented, athletic and pretty – a life where everything came easy to me. Did I want people to see me as this spectacular girl? Sometimes, but for the most part, the only person I wanted to convince that I was this amazing individual was… myself.
Like the fat green German caterpillar from Pixar’s classic, A Bug’s Life, Heimlich would say to himself, “Someday, I will be a beautiful butterfly and then everything will be better.”
That caterpillar was just simply waiting for his metamorphosis. And so was I.
But my metamorphosis didn’t happen overnight. Puberty didn’t hit me like a truck when it was supposed to. I didn’t wake up as a beautiful butterfly one random morning. Daydreaming was no longer an outlet as it became a nightmare of expectations I’ve set for myself. I grew impatient. I was tired of comparing myself to others. Motivational quotes and advice of loving myself was pointless to me. How could I possibly love myself if I didn’t want to accept who I am? I didn’t want to settle with being chubby, awkward, lazy, and dumb. Regardless if the way I viewed myself is wrong or exaggerated, I did not want to settle for mediocracy.
I wanted to change what I didn’t accept.
So I took initiative. Ever since that realization, I’ve been put so much effort towards becoming who I want to be. At times, I would be capricious and make mistakes. It was different this time around, because my mindset was no longer self destructive. Instead of succumbing to excuses whenever I encountered an obstacle, I would work harder with each try.
It’s terrifying how easy it is to get comfortable and slip up. Complacency can start with a Netflix binge or a little overindulgence with cheesecake, but it never ends well. It can start with an offensive comment during a GOP debate and it can end with the inauguration of Trump as the 45th President of the United States. It’s a slippery slope that I may not be aware of sometimes, but I couldn’t let being content derail my progress and future achievements.
Gradually do I begin to change. What I read, watch, and do is driven by the people I aspire to be. New ideas are incessantly being siphoned through my perspective, changing my outlook on life a little bit at a time. The friends I have now and even the friends that I have outgrown have helped me see myself in a better light. I can’t tell you how grateful I am… to no longer think of myself negatively and to value myself. And that which has true value, requires hard work.
So be it the unprevailing gene pool that makes me the late bloomer I was, am, and always will be.
I started to transform the moment I realized that I have the power to take control of my life and change who I am.
