Growing up, I have always been busy busy busy and on the go. However, not once did I ever stress too much or have any kind of major anxiety. Even in high school when I was dual-enrolling, in numerous clubs, and playing sports never did I think I would be so stressed to the point where I would be sick. I thought I was way too strong to let the outside world affect my mind and body. In fact, I thought anxiety was an excuse lazy people told us so they wouldn't have to do certain things, or so they could get special treatment.
One night, one of my dear friends in high school opened up to me about her anxiety. She told me how hard it was to sleep at night, and how her anxiety was out of this world. The anxiety would cause her to have panic attacks and keep her living in fear of the next bad thing to come. At the time, I told her I was sorry and that she just had to push through it. In the back of my mind, I told myself she was just overreacting about her situation. I can still remember the sadness in her eyes and how real her emotions were that night. She opened up to me, looking for nothing but support, and all I could say was to push thought it.
Now that I have successfully completed my first year of college, I can tell you that anxiety is real. Moving into college, I never thought my first year would go the way it did. I was looking forward to this year for what seems like my entire life. Free at last! Free from my parents. Free from the hell that was high school. Free from the borders of my hometown. Free from everything. Soon, I found out that I wasn't free at all.
My first two semesters went OK. I quickly found out how much I would miss my family, friends from back home and my dog. I found out how much life really costs when you're on your own. I found out even quicker how tough college can really be. I also found out that it is completely lonely at times when you are in a brand new place.
Each day I woke up sick to my stomach. Every night I went to bed shaking, and crying in fear of what the next day would hold. I couldn't tell you how many times I cried. My emotions were uncontrollable. I couldn't tell you how many times I threw up whenever I got the slightest bit of nervous.
Leaving my dorm room was hard for me, and just going out into public made me want to puke. My roommates would yell it me to stop throwing up all the time. They made me feel guilty for something I couldn't control. I remember my new sorority sister asking my pledge class if anyone wanted to go to the gym with her for leg day. I immediately volunteered myself because I always loved working out and meeting new people. However, a few hours before I made myself sick and talked myself out of going. That happened a number of times for many different occasions. My mind and body told me not to go out, not to meet new people, not to try new things and not to do anything and it hurt.
I was never like this before. Yeah, I got nervous sometimes but that was normal. You can ask anyone because I was always down for new things, hanging out, etc. I never lived in fear. But now, a sophomore in college, I realize that I am not free. Anxiety has kidnapped me and locked me inside my own mind. It has corrupt my health and sent me into a dark place I never thought I would go.
I tried reaching out to my parents, who were never supportive. They told me things like, "Get over it. You're faking it. Push through it, college isn't that hard." They repeatedly compared their college experiences to mine, telling me how much harder it was for them rather than me. They made me feel guilty for even asking for the help I needed. I had never felt so alone. Not even my own parents believed in me. At times, I felt like my friends didn't either, and from that I now knew what it felt like to be told to just push through it.
Anxiety isn't just something you can just push through. You can push through a hike, a workout and a shift at work, but not anxiety. It will consume your entire soul and eventually your body too. Not only does it make you deteriorate day by day, but it also brings extreme loneliness. If you have anxiety, don't wait like I did for it to start affecting you physically, get help now.
If you live each day in fear, can't control your emotions, have a nervous stomach at all times or aren't the same person you used to be, get help. See your school counselor, schedule an appointment with a therapist or reach out to someone you know it has affected. Don't let anxiety control you. Get the help you need whether it be from a counselor, a doctor, or a prescription. And most importantly, do not let anyone tell you that your anxiety isn't real. Everyone experiences it differently and there isn't a person on this earth who can tell you what you should and shouldn't be feeling.
After an entire year of sobbing, vomiting, panic attacks and much more, I can say that I'm on my way to a better life. I got the help and support I needed and slowly, but surely I can be the same girl I used to be. But most importantly, I am finally free.
If you know someone with anxiety, please do not tell them to push through it. Give them a hug, bring them their favorite snack, scratch their back! Anything is better than those three words. Be there for them, let them know you love them and will support them through the rough patch in their life. Anxiety hits everyone differently, so have an open mind and don't ever doubt their anxiety disorder.
