The Blaming Game In Relationships

Recently, I've been confronted with the truth. The truth can be disturbing to hear, especially when it's from someone who has your best interest in mind and loves you for who you are.

Because both my boyfriend and I have chosen to be each other's partner, offering nothing but good intentions, we both need to realize that accepting and understanding one another with patience. By making that choice to love unconditionally, we haven't been this vulnerable and open-minded before since we have the utmost faith in our relationship.

That is growth, and it can be uncomfortable at times.

There have only been a few times where we both felt that the other person wasn't giving enough, but it turned out that we both were experiencing the same thoughts of each other. We were internalizing everything and holding each other captive of our expectations that we have set on the other person. We both knew that it was unhealthy and that, at times, we let our egos take control.

As humans, when we sense that we are losing control of our lives and in our relationships, we naturally react in a defensive way. We lash out on the people we love because we know that they're going to love us back anyway.

But what my boyfriend and I learned is that I tend to project my internalized feelings onto him, resulting in me reacting in confusing, strange ways. When I went to go confront him of something I felt he was doing wrong, I went about it in a way I shouldn't have. I acted as if I was coming from a place of judgment rather than a place of love.

I immediately pointed the finger, but what I didn't realize until later was that the discussion blew out of proportion because it was a built-up reaction. Instead of talking about something as soon as it happens, I waited to confront it after a few times down the road. I was also reacting to past patterns as if he is even comparable to the other guys from my past.

After having a nice dissection of what had gone wrong, my insecurities must've come out to play when I was feeling low; therefore, projecting myself onto him and carrying him along in according to the expectations I created for him. It was a defense mechanism to protect myself from humiliating myself and/or coming off as weak.

I tend to act standoffish, like I don't need them around when, in fact, I do. Then again, I did make the choice to be exposed to this relationship to grow, as he does the same.

I'm appreciative that we both are able to listen to one another's concerns and work with them when we do have our moments, which is rare. Talking about the uncomfortable is better than not letting it out. It might be weird at first, but in the long run, being able to talk about anything will be the backbone of your relationship.

I believe that the root of why people argue stems from them sticking to their belief systems and by also not believing that they also carry toxic traits. They seem to care about who's right and who's wrong over what's really important: cooperation, self-analysis, and growth.

People are afraid to change themselves for the better because that means facing who you really are: darkness and light.

Before you point the finger, it's necessary to take a few seconds to check in with yourself by asking: am I projecting myself onto them?