“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Stop eating so much.”
“You would look a lot better if you lost ten pounds.”
“He wouldn’t have left you if you weren’t so fat.”
While these comments have never been said aloud to me, they are repeated in my head as I stare at myself in the mirror. I can't look at myself without seeing everything that is wrong. The longer I stare, the worse my body becomes distorted by the thoughts.
I am that girl. I am the girl who can’t stand to see her reflection and will always have a part of me that feels this way. I am that girl who compares herself to those around her. I’m the girl who doesn’t fit society’s idea of beautiful, at least that’s what I think.
I have struggled with my body image for as long as I remember. High school was the worst time in my life; always feeling as if I didn’t belong. I told myself that I was too heavy and at times called myself ugly out loud. I felt worthless and useless. I rarely wore makeup because I knew it wouldn’t even begin to fix what was wrong with me. I hid my self-hatred from my friends by putting up a loud, bubbly front. My self-confidence was nonexistent. I can't remember the last time I felt beautiful.
We’ve all been there in some way. Whether it be trouble with our grades, our weight, our confidence or maybe a combination of all three. While you might not have experienced every feeling that I’ve felt, you have probably gone through something similar to me.
Somewhere along the way, we have lost sight in what true beauty is. We have allowed a certain group of people to determine what the mold of beauty looks like. Society has taught us that we have to look a certain way to be beautiful. We have to fit this mold that is created by celebrities who have makeup artists and the money to change what they don’t like about themselves, in order to be accepted. Inner beauty is pushed aside while girls learn that looks matter more than brains as early as elementary school.
Everyone's journey to feel beautiful and find confidence is different. Oddly enough, mine began with a ride in the front seat of a Tahoe. In a moment of real self-doubt and as the words of Marianne Williamson filled the air, a feeling flooded me.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
That feeling was one of value and worth. It was a moment that I truly felt someone believed in me, something I had not been able to do myself.
Love lead to value, value lead to confidence, confidence lead to self-worth, and self-worth lead me to my power. While that day and those words didn't fix everything, for a moment I felt like everything would be okay.
Foolishly, I thought that would last forever. What I didn’t realize at that time is that confidence is not this untouchable thing after you find it. I am learning the hard way that confidence is something you have to maintain and constantly fortify.
There will always be people and instances that will make you question your self-worth, your beauty and your value. Regardless of the false confidence and bravado, we all find ourselves along the same road. Some of us are finishing school, some of us are trying to stretch a dollar a little farther and some of us are trying to figure out our purpose. And as for me, I am trying to teach myself that being kind, thoughtful and confident is more beautiful than a pretty dress and makeup.
As people, our responsibility is to build each other up, to leave our neighbor a little better than when we found them. In our jobs, at school, and even at the grocery store, we should be looking to be agents of love. With so much opportunity for things to wrong in the world, let us use our light to cast out the darkness.
My fear will no longer overshadow my power.
Know that you are worthy of love. Know that you are not a mistake and that you have value. You were put in this world to do some greater good and odds are good you are already doing it. When you look at yourself in the mirror, see the strength and beauty within you given to you by God. Know that you are beautiful and that you are powerful beyond measure.
