There are days where I look back at then and compare it to now and it feels like nothing has changed.

I'm too scared to tell them what's going on in my head because there's no way this is real.

There's no way I feel the same as I felt alone in my dorm room a year and a half ago.

There's no way anyone can ever understand what happened as he does???

It's too much to explain or it's just too much.

It's a burden.

It's a weight.

It's an "I'm sorry."

It's me telling myself I won't cry when we're all just hanging out.

It's an "I don't want to be dramatic."

It's me feeling dramatic and negative.

It's a downer.

It's an "I don't want you to feel sorry for me."

It's a random mom asking me if I'm "OK" before I even knew I wasn't

It's me being OK.

I don't even know what "it" is.

But, he's not here.

And we were not meant to be.

I didn't mean to make this so sad

or about him.

And, I can't spend my entire life depending on a single person.

But, they're doing their own thing.

They're thriving and it feels weird not to be.

It feels weird to tell them what's going on.

So, it comes out as me being mad for no reason without explaining.

Or it comes out as me distancing myself.

But, it is about them or him.

Every person I have ever been close to

is a part of me.

So, it's about everyone because they were here for me.

I'm too old to be doing this.

I'm too old to have it together

and I'm too old to not ask for the help.

There are days I look back and everything's different.

There are days it all feels the same.

There are times I do it just for the attention.

There are times I wish I could take things back and reword everything I said.

There are moments I wish I could change.

There are moments I wouldn't take anything back.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I am 20 years old and I have growing up to do. It's so easy to go through it all and act like everything's perfect. It's all the exciting, scary, fun, sad, stressing and amazing — and sometimes it's less complicated to pretend that everything's fine. But, I've always been complicated and messy.

Everything is not fine right now, but I have growing to do and I want to be a better person every day. I'm trying to apologize for less. I'm trying to figure it out.

Growing up is difficult sometimes — I'm not perfect and I do not always have it together.