There are certain friendships that you know from the start are going to seriously shape who you are. I entered one of these kinds of relationships back in March after Leadership Weekend. After so many amazing moments and countless memories, I decided that my beloved friend Cameron deserved to know just how much I appreciate him (If you're curious, he's in the front left of the picture, and he was the photographer). So here we are. Strap in and be prepared for feelings.
A Lesson In Soulmates
Life has beaten into that fairytales
Are much rarer than the bookshelves lead us to believe
And happy endings are definitely not the norm.
But I've kept my belief in soulmates,
In human connections that are just meant to be,
In people who feel like home.
I've hidden that belief in my ribcage, right beside my heart,
Out of the reach of grubby hands but in a place
Where it can still keep me warm.
I may as well give myself the hope no one else
Is willing to, right?
You see, I've spent too many therapy sessions
Crying that I have no friends
And never will,
Spent too many lunch breaks
Watching from the outside,
Thoughts drowned out by conversations and laughter
That aren't mine.
So when I met you on the first day of the retreat,
All smiles and loud cheer,
Color-coordinated as always,
I pulled myself away.
Everyone wanted a piece of you to love,
And I knew I would never get closer to you
Than the other side of a window pane.
Why venture past small talk
If it would only set me up for failure?
But when my anxiety and the insanity of life started to catch up with me,
When the world started to close in on me,
You were always the first person to reach out.
At my worst moment, you asked me to come to campus hours early.
You walked across campus in the rain that morning,
Your umbrella shielding us both,
And we talked for hours about our messy lives.
You kept asking me to repeat that first day in the cafe,
And I always obliged.
You always listened,
Always found a way to make me smile when it felt impossible,
Always laughed along with me,
Always walked me to class when the time came.
Right before you delivered me to the door, though,
You always pulled me in for the tightest hug,
As if you knew what I told myself that first day
And were determined to prove me wrong.
That day we went to the beach,
The waves were the nightmares of my childhood all over again,
And I wanted nothing more than to run.
I allowed myself to become the third wheel
As and Robin ventured further out,
Getting smaller as my world started to close in on me
And my anxiety cemented my feet to the cement as best I could.
Right as I was about to flee,
You turned and found me, accompanied only by my terror.
You waded back to me and took my hand
As though I were a child again.
You asked what was wrong,
And I told you I've been afraid of the water since my parents were still married.
So you squeezed my hand and guided me
Past where the waves were breaking on my legs,
To calmer waters,
And your hand in mine was the lullaby my anxiety needed
To finally rest.
When I had no way to my weekend-long job on campus,
You offered me your home and your bedroom for the two nights.
When my anxiety creeped in from the darkness and took me hostage that second night,
I texted you "Not okay" and you were there in seconds.
You cut through the darkness with your presence and a dying lantern.
You looked my demons in the face without blinking
As I unraveled.
As I told you the contents of every dark corner of my brain,
You introduced me to your demons
The same way your mother showed me your childhood photos earlier in the evening.
And that night I cried myself to sleep
Because you didn't see me as a burden
Or as my illnesses,
Or as my broken parts,
But only as a friend,
Only as a good hugger,
Only as the girl who insists on being your adoptive mother despite being three years younger,
Only as a person.
Dearest friend,
I've always believed in soulmates,
In people who feel like home,
But it was you that taught me
That you are your own home
And the right people will always make sure
There's a fire burning in the fireplace.
