Playing God: What It's Like To Deal With Suicidal Thoughts | The Odyssey Online
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Playing God: What It's Like To Deal With Suicidal Thoughts

Maybe it doesn't get better.

158
Playing God: What It's Like To Deal With Suicidal Thoughts
Edward Honaker

It is not uncommon that the word suicidal often creates an uncomfortable tone when discussed. When we hear about suicidal individuals, we often envision them as mental patients, disturbed adults, or "crazy people." Aside from the fact that there is an incredible amount of stigma attached to mental illnesses and those who suffer from them, no one realizes exactly what it is like to deal with suicidal thoughts, and even more so, are oblivious to the fact that the most unsuspecting individuals are dealing with them. It is not the same for everyone, but the mind of an individual coping with suicidal thoughts is more complex than one would think.

Suicidal thoughts / feelings are not always constant, and can sometimes be subtle.

As I mentioned, everyone is different, but sometimes I would compare my thoughts to background music. To put things into a better perspective, I will include an excerpt from "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kaysen, "Missed the bus — better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie — maybe I shouldn't kill myself." Some days are often better than others, and sometimes I don't even think about it at all. Other days, the background music turns into a full-blown metal concert and I cannot seem to make it stop.

When it rains, it pours.

On the days where suicidal thoughts seem to be more consuming than anything else — food seems bland, conversations feel like a burden, work appears unbearable, moving is dreadful, but the bridge above the highway looks like it would have an impeccable view if I were to simply jump off of it. This may sound crazy to an outsider who does not understand how in-depth mental illness can be, and how effectively those who suffer from it learn to deal with it. Unfortunately, not everyone learns how to. For some, these feelings are absolutely too overwhelming or unbearable to deal with. For myself, it's just part of my everyday life, like brushing my teeth.

Sometimes we take chances, sometimes we take pills.

Some people love medication, some are addicted to it, and others hate the idea of it. Whether you have crippling anxiety or severe depression — if you have seen a therapist or any type of doctor, there is a chance you have been offered medication to aid in treating your mental illness. Twice in my life I have been offered medication for my depression — the first time I was 11 years old, the second time I was 17 years old. The second time I was offered it, I accepted. Some symptoms included but were not limited to dry mouth, constant thirst, insomnia, infinite energy, and lack of appetite. While that may seem like a small price to pay to feel a "little bit better," they made me just as miserable. Nevertheless, that should not discourage individuals from trying medication. It's just that personally between having constant thirst or being suicidal, at least my suicidal thoughts don't make me spend a fortune on water.

I truly hate being rude.

Those who do not understand what it is like to deal with depression or suicidal thoughts often call suicide "selfish" because it hurts those around you that care about you. While I will not go into how disgusting it is to call suicide "selfish" — I will say that in a way that has affected my own actions. On the most unbearable days, I can't help but to remember that I have to be at work early in the morning, and I don't want to leave them shorthanded by driving my car into the lake — better hold off for a day or two. Even worse than that is a situation like — oh my goodness, I promised so-and-so I would spend time with them tomorrow. I've already rescheduled twice with them and I don't want to be rude. Better wait another day. Sometimes I hate being so nice.

I'd rather wait in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles than receive your pity.

I'm not a candidate for Macy's Make-A-Wish Foundation. You don't need to buy me a piano and tell me that you're sorry for me. I am not terminally ill, physically disabled, or deprived of anything. I am a simple human with a mental illness that causes me to feel a certain way towards my life. I can assure you that I have enough pity to fill an ocean, and I do not need yours, nor do I want it. I understand that you care or you had a cousin going through the same thing or you want to know if today is a good day or a bad day for me — but in all honesty, it is not necessary. I am a simple human, just like you.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Relationships

The Unwritten Rules Of "Talking"

What is "talking?" How does one "talk?"

6930
girl holding phone
NYCPRGIRLS

Now that it seems “talking” is the new way to date, and will stay that way until another idiotic term is used to describe the people who can’t settle down and just date someone, I feel as if it’s time to go over the unwritten rules of “talking.”

Rule 1. Having feeling without feeling.

Keep Reading...Show less
The Stages of Having FOMO in College
iamthatgirl.com

Are you one of those people that gets super upset when you miss out on anything? Well, you may have FOMO, or fear of missing out. In college it’s not hard to experience FOMO every once in a while. You just love doing everything and anything, so hen you have to miss out on something it's the worst possible thing in your mind. Whether you’re sick, have to work, or have so much work to do you could cry – FOMO will hit you hard in college.

Keep Reading...Show less
Vivien Leigh
Revelist

I've lived a whole 21 years with an RBF (Resting Bitch Face), so naturally, I go through most of these struggles on a daily basis.

And before you ask, yes I'm fine. No, I'm not mad. This is just my face, so take it or leave it! To those of you who have been #blessed with an RBF, you'll probably relate to these more than you'd like to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Entertainment

Iconic Duos: Timeless Legends

From Luke and Leia to Beyonce's twins...

774911
Luke and Leia from Star Wars, a iconic duo
Lucasfilm

“Name a more iconic duo... I'll wait." OK, well, if you insist. In no particular order, here's a list of 100 iconic duos that seem to be timeless.

SEE MORE: This Is The ICONIC Disney Sidekick You Are To Your BFF, According To Your Zodiac Sign

Keep Reading...Show less
Relationships

A Candid Letter to My Best Friends Ex

Because this is the real form of torture you deserve.

2063
middle finger
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

What's up Asshat,

I've composed a list of things that I wish upon you, and they're harsh and cruel. These things are things that I wouldn't wish upon my worst of enemies, not even that Starbuck's barista who always screws up my order, not even him. You fall into a whole other category of hate. You surpass Starbucks barista. Congratulations, I'm actually a pretty nice person, making you worthy of every single bit of torture I wish upon you. What are these things I wish upon you you might ask?

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments