Any person of voting age in 2016 has found themselves parked smack in the middle of what comedian John Oliver has taken to calling “Uncle Sam’s Rock-Bottom Yankee Doodle Suicide Pact 2016”- and quite frankly I think it’s a very accurate nickname for this year's election. Third-party candidates such as Gary Johnson and Jill Stein have been gaining some traction in recent polls, but I would like to take this time to introduce another candidate America knows and loves: pizza. Here are 11 reasons why you should really consider writing in a certain food on your ballot come Election Day.
1. Pizza doesn’t even know how to use e-mail.
The FBI has never referred to any actions conducted by pizza as “extremely careless.”
2. Pizza doesn’t lie to you.
Political fact checkers have had a heyday with this presidential election, but if you looked up pizza’s record you’d find that pizza has been honest time and time again on all the important issues.
3. When you order pepperoni pizza, cheese pizza doesn’t shut down your order.
Congressional gridlock is nearing historical highs under the Obama administration, and I would not be surprised if such a trend of dysfunction continues under either a Trump administration or another Clinton administration. This would never happen if pizza took office- everybody would be happy.
4. Pizza is for sharing- it’s the people’s food.
One pizza will make anywhere from 1-12 people very happy. No politician is that efficient of a mood-lifter.
5. A wall made out of pizza would end world hunger.
Trump’s plan for a multi-billion dollar wall along the border between Mexico and the United States is tremendously divisive and realistically will not help many or any people. A massive wall of cheesy goodness, on the other hand? Put those all over the place.
6. You don’t have to be attempting to sway a vote to buy pizzas.
I’m all for keeping money out of politics, but pizza is one of the best things money can buy.
7. Pizza has never been bankrupt.
Pizza’s money management skills could possibly benefit our country’s budget in a long run. Or destroy it completely. Who knows. But four of its corporations haven’t run out of money, that’s for sure.
8. The fake looking yellow stuff on top of pizza is delicious.
Eating a toupee would probably cause any normal person to swear off food for the rest of their life. Eating Donald Trump's hair would be even worse.
9. Pizza doesn’t respond to tragedies by asking for praise.
Pizza would never turn one of the worst mass shootings in history into a way to draw attention to itself. Pizza is there to selflessly comfort the world in the darkest of times.
10. Pizza would never say that it has been under sniper fire in Bosnia.
That’s all that needs to be said about that.
11. Everybody likes pizza.
94% of Americans eat pizza on a regular basis. No president in the history of the presidency has had an approval rate that high.
