Sometimes, you want to be a nice person (heavy emphasis on the "sometimes"). A great way to be recognized as the "nice friend" is offering your up vehicular services when your friend is out for the night. You'll say something along the lines of: "Text me when you're ready to head home! I'll pick you up!", and you'll feel like a valiant proponent of the harm reduction technique. As noble of a deed as this may be, there are several implications that make this an exhausting and detestable task.

To any friend that I've had to pick up from a night out:

This is absolutely meant to incriminate you. Please take this personally.

1. The Wait

This is where you spend around one to five hours hovered over your phone to make sure you haven't missed the signal from your friend. You are safe in the comfort of your own surroundings; you're generally home alone and left to your own devices (in my case, this is always Netflix, cereal, and pretending to do homework). Though you will often have better things to be doing, the bulk of your time is spent incessantly checking your phone/Facebook/Twitter/Snapchat for any messages from your friend, rendering your productivity level to depletion.

2. The Navigation

The navigation begins when you have received the text/call requesting your services. Note: This implies that the drunk friend is willing to give you a location. They will either say something useless and vague like, "Near a streetlight!" or they will be coherent enough to give you a legitimate address. Unfortunately, similarly to persons with dementia, one of the defining characteristics of a person who has consumed alcohol is that they are always seeking to go home. This means that they're always on the run. They will have either gotten lost, distracted, or more drunk. You will probably find yourself driving around town in circles trying to hunt them down whilst questioning the necessity of your friendship.

3. The Ride

You will (with with relief and some bitter dismay) end up finding your friend. They will be at their originally described location, a phenomena you'll be too cranky to try to disseminate. The ride occurs when your friend energetically stumbles into your car. Note: This is after they have hugged the 100 friends they were just with, each hug lasting for what seems to be a god-awful 15 minutes. They will begin by thanking you, but not in a normal way. The gratitude will be expressed in a way that is borderline romantic. They will continue to do this for the entirety of the time they are in your car, in conjunction with giving you a scattered review of their experience of the night. You will block out the majority of the conversation here, longing for the solitude of your own bed. This is also the period of the adventure where you will be prayin' to the good heavens that there will be no puke.

4. The Fries

The drunk friend will often double as the atypically hungry friend. By atypically, I mean that their need for food is so urgent, they will quickly become erratically unstable if this need is not met. During the car ride, somewhere in between "Omg you're here! I love you sooooo muuuuch" and "Dude, tonight was so hella extra", the drunk friend will gain a moment of clarity where they will say, "Wow, I could reaaaaally go for some fries right now". It sounds innocent, but what I have learned is that this actually translates into "FRIES. STOMACH. IMMEDIATELY." If you do not stop for fries (they always want fries, sometimes wings, but mostly fries), they will not stop talking about the goddamn fries. This is where you are so exasperated, you will actually make the loathsome fries-stop. You will insist that you can go inside and purchase the fries for your friend, because you know very well that your friend is incapable of interacting with the food service world. They will, however, insist otherwise and leap into the restaurant against your best wishes. This is where you end up waiting in the car because it seems more tolerable than watching your friend make an ass of themselves.

5. The Second Ride

The friend has now made it back into your car with their fries in tow. They will continue to tell you that they love you, but be more-so interested in how much they love the fries. The fries provide a few moments of golden silence and will give you brief time to cope with being at your near breaking point. You will drive as swiftly as humanly possible to their home base to get them out of your sight. They're still your friend. Of course you still care for them, but overall, you have had enough and are seriously jealous of their fries. You will usually already know where this friend lives, but they will give you oddly specific directions anyway (there are bonus points available if the person you are driving home is someone you live with).

6. The Goodbye

This is somehow worse than "The Second Ride" because you know it will take longer than you want it to. You're hoping for a Ron Swanson-eque short and sweet departure that will last for under one second of eye contact. This is never how a proper goodbye to a drunken friend will go down. They will continue to thank you, tell you they love you, and may even wander into some confession-like territory. The easiest way to redirect this situation is to remind your friend that they probably have to pee. Your greatest hope for this interaction is that your friend has remembered their keys and understands the basics of how to operate a doorknob.

7. The Subsequent Communication

There are no true good-byes when a drunk friend has access to their phone. This is where you think you have finally escaped. You think you have finally gotten to be in your own company. You have achieved tranquility and shelter from the outside world, right? Yeah, no, of course not, because Murphy's Law is proven infallible on Saturday nights. If you are one of the lucky ones who can sleep through their phone going off, you're in the clear until the morning. If you are not, this will increase the rate of how problematic your friend is. Just as you are falling asleep, you will get either a text or lengthy voicemail that goes on to describe how much your friend loves you, how much they love fries, or some other regurgitation of their current emotions. Because you still love your friend, you'll allow yourself to simmer in the angst for a night, but only for the night. Though picking up a drunk friend is the worst, you still care about them (though you hate to admit it), and you'll definitely pick them up again.

Considerations and Disclaimers, Keepin' It Real

Aiight, so it can be real cool to make fun of how much your drunk friends like fries, but there are also useful and important ways to check in on friends who plan to drink for the night.

Ask them where they are going, who they will be with, if they have had something to eat, and when they are planning to get back. Genuinely offer up giving someone a ride. Most people would rather be woken up and annoyed at 2AM than they would want to find that their friend is in an unsafe predicament. Don't let a stranger take them home (I don't care what they say, they're drunk, they can't go home with a stranger) and don't let them walk home alone. Ask them how much they've had to drink, what they've had to drink, if they've had any other substances, and if they've had water. Always offer water, alcohol is a bastard of a diuretic. If you suspect alcohol poisoning, monitor their breathing patterns and body temperature. If they pass out and display irregular/slow breathing (bradypnea or periods of apnea) and are cool to the touch, call 911. If your friend has a history of substance abuse, offer substance-free plans with them during the evening/witching hours. If you have found them intoxicated, still get them to a safe space (even if you're upset with them). No matter what the situation: be alert, be kind, but don't be afraid to give them hell if they leave you a weird voicemail.