Starbucks offers such a variety of drinks that it's hard to pick which one is the best. Do you want something hot, cold, creamy, sweet, or low calorie? The decision can seem impossible! Lucky for you, I have come up with the perfect system for figuring out what your perfect Starbucks drink should be. First, think about what Starbucks means: being hip, cool shades, trill stuff, a reference to Hermon Melville's classic Moby Dick, but most of all - Freedom. And what else represents freedom? Horses, horses represent freedom. But, they also represent friendship, and friendship is a ship we sail on towards or friends much like how our televisions are ships that sail us towards the television series Friends. So, finding your perfect Starbucks drink is a simple as decoding how each drink could be represented by a horse with a favorite character from Friends! It might sound hard, but we'll figure it out together just like horse friends should.

1. Caramel Mocha Coffee

With it's diverse flavors and rich undertones, the caramel mocha coffee is easily represented by the American Painted Horse whose favorite Friends character is Rachel Green. Rachel was born into a rich family where she never had to worry about money, i.e. caramel. She decides to leave her family money behind in order to find a more fulfilling life. This fulfillment comes in the form of sweet, dark chocolate syrup. So that is why we have this mixing of caramel and mocha. It is the mixing of the dark and light patterns of the American Painted Horse, but also Rachel's reconciliation with her past, but also caramel and mocha.

2. Low Fat Caffe Latte

While most lattes are dense in fat and enriched with flavored syrup, the low fate caffe latte is a much blander and stable drink. It clearly represents the Budenny which as we all know was the favorite horse of Russian Calvary post World War I and Russian Revolution. And much like how Soviet Communism prided itself on the fall of the bourgeoisie to the proletariat, Monica Gellar's childhood obesity fell to her own personal communist revolution when she finally got a trim body she could be proud of. You see, communism isn't about fancy frills, stable living conditions, basic human freedoms, or even happiness. It's about giving up all happiness to the party in order for your children to grow up to be potato farmers until they eventual become successful and are executed for being Goddamned capitalists. That is, if you don't eat them first due to the massive food shortages.

3. Unicorn Frappuccino

The boldest, bubbliest, and most annoyingly colorful of all Starbucks drinks is the Unicorn Frappuccino. An Unholy mixture of frappe and cappacino combined with media hype and dollar store glitter, this drink is the Chincoteague pony of the Starbucks world. You probably already guessed it, this drink is the Phoebe Buffay of the horse of the Starbucks world. Much like how Chincoteague ponies were made famous by Marguerite Henry’s book Misty of Chincoteague, Phoebe gained street cred for rocking on her guitar outside of Central Perk. Both of these noble nags would proudly gulp down whatever the hell a Unicorn Frappuccino is.

4. Signature Hot Chocolate

A childhood favorite of everyone's, signature hot chocolate is a show stopper. This drink would be most appreciated by a Hanoverian dressage horse whose favorite Friends character is Joey Tribbiani. Joey always wanted to be an actor, and Hanoverians are clearly the drama queens of the horse dancing world, so it makes total sense that these two would be paired together. It's so easy to imagine a shirtless and muscular Joey gliding towards you on his dancing horse with a hot and steamy mug of signature hot chocolate in his hands. His eyes affixed to yours like a proud falcon about to swoop down on an innocent but wanting field mouse, and right before his sexy man-falcon-tallons grip the life out of you he says, "How you doin?"

5. A Double Shot of Espresso inside a Vente Sized Cup

A double sized shot of espresso in a vente sized cup is the ultimate hipster expression of "I don't play by your rules." This attitude is so represented by the Kerry Bog pony whose favorite character is Chandler Bing. What other self hating horse with emo hair would have bog in it's name? The Kerry Bog pony that's who. Much like the sarcastic and "to-cool-for-this-statistical-analysis-and-data-reconfiguration-job-at-a-multi--national-corporation" attitude of Chandler as well. Having a tiny amount of coffee in a huge cup is worth the extra space in a landfill because it shows everyone that they are just sheeple playing to the man, and you are a Kerry Bog pony.

6. Iced Tea

A traditional drink originating in Asia, ice tea is best represented by the Przewalski horse. This horse was thought to be extinct until it was rediscovered in Mongolia by Russian cartographer Colonel Nikolai Przewalski. People who discover things that are old are often paleontologist like Ross Geller from Friends. Ross could easily be seen drinking tea while examining the bones of the Przewalski horse's extinct ancestors before he slips into a depressive episode about that fact that the mother of his child might be taking a job in Paris leaving him alone with only the bones to keep him company.

So there you have it! Hopefully, this list will help you narrow down your own list of best Starbucks drinks. I know there are more drinks to choose from, so you can create your own way of categorizing drinks. Maybe cross reference the sodium content of latte's with the average survival rate of the Northern Atlantic Salmon over the last 75 years? However you do it, just remember these inspiring words from Fleetwood Mac's 1977 smash hit album Rumors, "You can go your own way!"