This past week an outstanding article went viral. Published on the esteemed website Total Frat Move, impeccable author StuffFratPeopleLike wrote "50 Ways to Be the Perfect College Girlfriend," an insightful article that showed me how I have been doing everything wrong. I never had a fake ID and I've got love handles for days; no wonder I'm single! To thank StuffFratPeopleLike, I decided to help him and his fellow frat bros out. So here are 40 ways to be the perfect college boyfriend. Enjoy.
1. Be older, way older. I don't get out of bed for a guy under 90.
2. It should go without saying, but be in a cult.
3. We will never be Liza Minelli, get over it.
4. We expect a bag of rats every birthday, anniversary, and holiday.
5. You should either look like Kermit the Frog or Hagrid. No exceptions.
6. Make sure your dad is hot, like Nordstrom mannequin hot. Actually, your dad should just be a mannequin.
7. Perform satanic rituals to show your undying love.
8. Understand the rules of "Mary-Kate and Ashley: Crush Course" on PlayStation.
9. You may not like it, but at least tolerate the taste of bleach.
10. Be emotionless, like a robot.
11. Only address us as Khaleesi or Supreme Leader.
12. Eye contact should be maintained for no more than two seconds at a time.
13. Have the mind of Joe Biden, and the body of Big Bird.
14. Tell us our farts are cute.
15. Keep your undying love for the Teletubbies on the DL, we get it.
16. Keep your downstairs tidy. Messy basements are annoying and distracting.
17. Before you do anything, like reading "Total Frat Move," ask yourself, "Would Donald Trump do this?"
18. Don't look like a slob. Make sure your breeches and tricorn hats are always clean and neat.
19. Always match your socks to Channing Tatum's eyes.
20. On Sundays wear your most formal cowboy hat, don't be a peasant.
21. Have an attractive great-uncle. Trust me, it's important.
22. You'll know we're on our periods because we will turn into swamp bird monsters that breathe fire. Always have tranquilizers ready.
23. There's nothing less sexy than arrogance. Except for maybe snapbacks and Lacrosse pinnies.
24. Look good in a wizard's robe.
25. #24 refers to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.
26. I don't care if you enjoy "The Notebook." I don't even enjoy it.
27. Han shot first. Admit it and get over it.
28. Lick my face in public so I know it's real.
29. You should have at least three dogs. Or just be a dog yourself.
30. Don't make my pet dragons hate you.
31. Warn us if you've ever looked at another woman, we're too fragile to handle that.
32. Don't get mad at us when we fantasize about our zombie boyfriends. Being clingy is such a turn-off.
33. Know all of the words to "Mambo No. 5." If you don't, learn them.
34. Always know how to destroy a Horcrux. You never know...
35. Tell us that we're all Carrie Bradshaw so we feel validated.
36. Don't expect us to even listen to you most of the time.
37. Unless we bring him up, don't talk about Voldemort.
38. Eventually, we're going to ask you for "The Heart of the Ocean." We don't care if it's at the bottom of the Atlantic or that it's a hunk of change. Get it or get out.
39. Lie about how many Pokemon you've collected.
40. Gentleman on the streets, Ronald McDonald in the kitchen.
Well there you have it, these are the essentials to being the perfect college boyfriend. Obviously, if you couldn't tell, this article is 100% satirical because unlike StuffFratPeopleDo, I realize that men and women are people and not perfect, hairless robots. I tip my hat to you, StuffFratPeopleDo, you really showed me the exact type of man to avoid in the real world. But then again, with articles like that, you're probably still in Neverland with the Lost Boys. *drops mic*
