“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
-Dr. Seuss
Why do people like "The Bachelor?" I have never been able to figure this out. I know a lot of people who watch "The Bachelor," and nobody has given me a good reason to why they like it. People have given me good reasons for why they go #NoCondom during one night stands (which is bananas) but nobody has given me a good reason to why they watch "The Bachelor." Maybe I’m missing the point, I suspect that’s the case.
I’ve never watched "The Bachelor" in my life which is amazing because I’ve talked so much mess about "The Bachelor" you would’ve thought "The Bachelor" was a lover who scorned me. I’ve decided I’m gonna watch an episode to see what its like. Mostly I’m gonna give to you the thoughts of someone who’s never watched the show before, as they come into my head. This piece will not be edited, I’m writing it all out, dribble by dribble as I watch the show and consume it in that moment. I hate "The Bachelor" so much, and yet here I am, staring down the abyss, about to watch "The Bachelor" and hate myself because of it. I’m only watching one episode because this is "The Bachelor," when you’ve seen one episode you’ve seen them all.
KEY
BOLD: Stuff the Bachelor people say
italics: Stuff the narrator guy says
regular: me
I click on the Hulu thing: it appears three shows have been searched for in our (I share this Hulu thing with my three roommates) Hulu; "Seinfeld," "Saturday Night Live," and "The Bachelor" (One of these does not belong). The first thing I noticed about this show is that I’m watching episode three of season 21, which is horrible. How in the living H has this show lasted this long? I’ve never watched it once in my life and I know it's not worthy of two seasons, let alone twenty-one. (This is the television equivalent of Rebecca Black having twenty-one albums.)
For context:
Narrator: Liz was the women from Nick’s past.
This is compelling stuff. I’m on the edge of my seat. Liz and Nick had sex apparently, this other girl who I’m gonna call Nick’s side chick doesn’t seem pleased. Nick gives side chick a good old smile in reply to her learning that he had the sex with Liz. He’s now talking to a bunch of girls sitting on a couch that looks comfy (definitely not IKEA).
Nick: I actually knew Liz prior to being on the Bachelor. I’m just gonna be upfront with you, Liz and I had sex. (Nick is not being up front with them because he told them this only because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. This way of doing things is known as the “cheat til ya get caught method,” it’s an idea as old as the movie Casa Blanca.)It looks like we got ourselves a good ole fashion fugazi going on here. This is rigged! After Nick spills the beans, the girls of the couch are shocked, one of them says, “Oh my god,” and all their faces just said, “I’m still gonna be with him despite all of this.”
I think Liz got eliminated in the last episode, don’t take my word for it. There’s a lot of people to keep track of on this show. Narrator:What will the women do now? Tonight, on "The Bachelor"…
The girl talking right now has a Russian accent, I respect that. Seems like she’s making a power move in Trump’s America. The girls at the bachelor house are mad. They’re trying to rationalize what Nick and Liz did because that’s what girls do. Nick’s got a solid suit on, the coat is nice and he has a pocket-square, it’s a 7 in real life (which means it's a TV 5 on the Americano 1-10 scale.) I’m not sure why these girls are upset or surprised, people love sex. This whole show is about him finding another person to have sex with. If any of these girls didn’t have vaginas, they’d get sent home from the house. My early inclination about the girls in this room is they’re all very attractive and very weird. They’re thirsty and it’s creepy. These are the types of girls who if they existed in the sixties would’ve gone to Beatles concerts and screamed the whole time. I don’t know any girls like this, but I know they’re out there.
Nick is talking to side chick again. She’s not pleased with him, but she’ll put up with his shenanigans, for some reason. Nick’s talking to Danielle L, he says he wants to get to know her. I must say, he said, “Really,” somewhere in there, so we can take that to the bank. Danielle L: My grandparents have been married for over fifty years (she’s letting us know that she’s into commitment. Mistake!) Corinne is on the screen, my roommate has informed me that on episode one she said, “All these other girls have gold vagieen, mines platinum.” (That’s not weird!) She’s from Miami, which makes me skeptical of her. People from Miami that aren’t rappers or football players are weird (This is sociology 101. Do you think she knows Lebron moved back to Cleveland?) She just took her bottom off. However, there was a censor blocking out her bottom. This show is porn without the sex; I don’t know how people watch it. Corrine: I want there to be that sexual mysterious connection between us. I have two thoughts on this:
- If this what she’s like when she’s on TV, what is she like when she’s not on TV?
- She hugged him really tight, and grabbed on for dear life, like a drunk person does when they’re saying they wanna have sex with you, without actually saying it and sparing themselves the rejection if things go bad (you know what I'm talking about). She just put whip cream on her boobs and had Nick lick it up. He only licked the part where the whipped cream was (amateur). Jasmine just interrupted the love affair between Nick and Corinne, although Nick was ready to break it off anyway. Corinne is pissed, Jasmine walks off with Nick. Corinne is crying, good thing we’re not dealing with first world problems here. If we were playing kill, bleep, merry, I’m not sure if I’d bleep or kill Corinne. I’m leaning towards kill, but that whip cream tells me I might be wrong.
We’re at halftime. Not in the show, but in this piece. Here are some things said during the show that are wrong:
“You can’t control what you do, really” -Nick
Yes, you can.
“You have to let yourself go.” -Nick
No, you don’t.
“All I want to do in this moment is kiss her.” -Nick
That’s really all you want?
The Rose ceremony is happening, but Corinne is asleep. The other ladies are speculating as to what’s going on, even though she’s just snoring. Nick is about to hand out roses. Apparently, this is important. (I know this because they’re playing dramatic music in the background.) Nick is rattled cuz Corinne is not there. She’s still getting a rose, though, probably because the whipped cream was enough to keep her around. (“Talent is more important than morals.” -Jerrod Carmichael) He’s giving out a lot of roses, I can’t possibly get all their names. Jaimi with the nose ring is worried she’s not going to get a rose.
Nick: Jaimi? Will you accept this rose? (These misdirections are killing me.)
This one girl is starting to get upset, she’s worried that she isn’t going to get picked.
Girl Who’s Name I Don’t Know: Personally, I don’t think Corinne has a very genuine connection with Nick.
Apparently, she does cuz she gets a rose without even showing up. (Corinne is most certainly Allen Iverson’s favorite girl on the show.)
Girl Who’s Name I Don’t Know: She’s not even here, I know that I’m a catch. Like, I know my worth, so… I deserve it. Like I deserve a rose. She sounds like an open mic comedian. She’s so annoying that I’m cheering for her to get eliminated (I’m all wrapped up in this #BachelorLife).
Jasmine is not as confident as Girl Who’s Name I Don’t Know, she really thinks she’s going to get canned. She’s scared and you can tell. She has the face Kanye fans had when we saw he was meeting with Trump. (She lives in San Francisco and is an NBA dancer, which is bad if she gets eliminated because they don’t make that much money and San Francisco rent is expensive, so I’m pulling for her because I have morals and stuff.)
The anticipation is building, the music is getting more intense, Nick just gave the last girl he’s going to give a rose to a rose. She’s got blonde hair, I don’t know her name. All these other girls are now eliminated from the show, apparently. False alarm, Nick just called Jasmine down the aisle, she accepts the rose of course, and is not eliminated. She lives to fight another day. (Until later when she’ll most certainly be eliminated. If this was the NCAA tourney, she’s a 12 seed that just advanced to the second or third round. Hell if I know what round this is. It’s all confusing.) Thank GOD, she can make rent next month. The girl who’s name I don’t know is eliminated. This is a big upset, nobody saw this coming except everyone because she was so confident in herself. Of course, she had to go (people forget that).
Girl Who’s Name I Don’t Know (Actually, Her Name Is Hailey): I want to find love. If you wanna go through this journey you have to be a little bit vulnerable to allow people to love you.
Okay, here’s the thing with that:
First off, she should call the Atlanta Falcons.
Second, she’s an example of why not to be vulnerable to people. (This reminds me of the time I decided I was going to tell this girl I was in love with her. That night I had a dream where I was confessing her my love, and before I could someone came up and shot me. I died in my dream. You can’t make this stuff up.). She keeps talking and crying. I respect that she’s hanging in there. If I cried on national TV, it would only be because I found out that Stevie Wonder admitted that he hasn’t actually been blind all these years, that actually he’s been pulling a fast one on us the entire time.
The main takeaway from this show is if you want a chance in this world you need nice eyebrows. Everyone on this show has nice eyebrows. Even the people who got eliminated had nice eye brows, so if you don’t have nice eye brows you’re already out. This is all I have for you people. I put my heart and soul into this and after twenty Bachelor minutes, I got nothing left in the tank. This might be the last time I write anything ever. "The Bachelor" is draining that way. I’ve lost the will to write and enjoy life. My hope for humanity lingers, as my disdain only grows. "The Bachelor" is the death of American culture. (Am I being facetious? I am not, maybe I am, though. I haven’t decided.) "The Bachelor" is the best argument against democracy. "The Bachelor" has made me realize that the world is overpopulated. I’m questioning everything, I trust no one. The lines at Starbucks suddenly seem too long, I’m calling BS on everything; all because of "The Bachelor." I don’t hate anything, but I hate "The Bachelor."
