It is okay to not be okay. You do not need to validate your feelings to anyone. You have a right to feel whatever it is you are feeling. The problem is that I experience feelings so deeply and I tend to keep it bottled up and hidden from people. I put on a brave face and smile so they do not know what is really going through my mind. I say, “I’m okay” or “I’m fine” when they ask how I am doing.

I know it’s not the best way of dealing with the situation but I do not want to feel like a burden to the people around me. I do not want people to start worrying about my well being. I do not want to bombard people with my problems when I know they are fighting their own battles. I do not want to have to depend on others to get through difficult situations. I want to feel like I can get through this by myself and accomplish my goals on my own. At the end of the day I am the only person who understands how I am feeling. It’s hard to explain it to other people. I only ask for help as a last resort because I would rather figure it out than try and talk to someone.

I don’t remember when it started but I have been struggling with confidence and self esteem. It has really impacted me. It is hard for me to stand up in front of a classroom of people and give a presentation. I compare myself to others. I feel self conscious all the time. It’s hard for me to talk to new people and start a conversation. Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough. I care more about other people than I do about myself. I care about other people’s happiness more than my own. It’s something I am trying to work on and work through.

I won’t ask for your help, but I will ask that you be patient with me while I learn how to love myself one step at a time. It is a long journey towards self acceptance but please be patient. If you start to notice that I seem distant, it is not because I don’t want to spend time with you. If I am quiet, it is not because I don’t want to talk to you. If I don’t answer your messages or calls, it is not because I am ignoring you. If I sit alone, it’s not because I don’t want to be around you. I just need some time to sort out my feelings.

As time goes on, it will get better and I know someday I will gain back the confidence I need to go out into the world and be myself. So for now, please be patient with me and understand that it’s not that I don’t want your help, I just want to feel the satisfaction of knowing I independently did something good for myself.