I'm not OK.
Those three words are some of the hardest to admit. No one wants to let the people they love most know that though they make it through the day with a smile and a lot of laughs, they're the farthest thing from OK. We all want everyone to believe that we lead a perfect, happy life and that even when nothing goes our way, it's fine.
But not being OK is lonely. It's being lonely in the middle a group of people. It's being lonely sitting in your room doing homework. It's not believing someone when they say they love you. It's getting down on yourself about every little thing that happens. It's taking things personally when they really have nothing to do with you.
And so, if you're like me, when things stop being OK, you shut down. You don't tell anyone and just breathe through your misery. It consists of late nights, crying yourself to sleep. Constantly letting every little thing someone says beat you up. Sitting alone in your room when you know it would be better to sit with someone, even if you weren't talking. Waking up with the horrible "I cried myself to sleep" headache yet bottling everything up, putting on a fake smile and walking out the door just to redo the process a few hours later. You feeling bad about feeling bad. You shut yourself off from everyone, worried that you're just a burden to them.
But I'm here to tell you that it's OK to not be OK.
I know that admitting it is hard. It took me one of the biggest sob sessions of my life to admit it. No one wants to feel weak. But sometimes, that's OK. Though it may not seem true, I know for a fact that you have a ton of people around you who love you and are worried about you. They want to help you be OK again. And by not talking to them, you're hurting them, without even realizing it. And when that realization hits, it's going to hurt you even more than you're already hurting.
They know. You might think you're hiding it well, but your friends know. Your family knows. Besides you, they're the people who know you best and so they're going to notice when something is off. So get it off your chest. Tell your best friend that you're not OK. Let them help you. Take it from me, never asking for help just hurts you more. There's absolutely no shame in telling someone that you're not as fine as you say you are. Because they already know and they're just waiting for you to come to them.
You're not alone. You don't have to go through this alone. You're never going to feel okay if you're constantly bottling everything up and just wishing it was better. You'll explode eventually, and that's the worst feeling in the world. Can you imagine feeling worse than you do right now? No one wants that for you. I don't want that for you. I've been there. Please don't get there.
So please, realize that it's OK to not be OK. You don't have to put up that front anymore. You don't have to smile just because you woke up that morning. No one expects you to be perfectly fine 100 percent of the time. Talk to your friends. Tell them that something's up. They're here for you; they want to help you. I know it's hard. But break out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone. Work back towards that real, beautiful smile and let your friends help you.
And stop feeling bad about not being okay. It's OK to not be OK.
