All The Things I Wish I Said: A Passage To My Best Friend

I love you. With my whole entire heart and soul. You don't understand the magnitude you had in my life. From the second I met you, I knew we would be an inseparable bond. You're the older sister I've always wanted but never had. We've been through so much since day one, and I wouldn't have wanted anyone else by my side. You're the ray of sunshine that peeks through to brighten my cloudy days. You were my saving grace in the darkroom I was in. You brought happiness, fun, motivation, and love into my life, and I could not be more thankful.

I was dumb. I took it all for granted. I really screwed up. You mean the world to me and not only did I hurt you, but I ruined the best thing I had in my life.

Life has ups and downs. People make mistakes. No one can see inside anyone else's mind. I majorly messed up. I'm happy I can admit that. Some people cannot come to terms with themselves and accept that they were wrong. My intentions were pure, I did not mean to hurt you. I wish I could take all of it back. Unfortunately, I can't, and the damage has been done. I won't be able to feel the pain that you feel. The pain of someone you thought had your back sticking a knife through it.

How could I be so foul? I betrayed you. I will forever be apologetic. I, myself, cannot even believe I would do such a thing. What's done is done, and I can't change the past, although I dearly wish I could. One genuine apology is worth a million fake ones. With that, I hope you can feel the sorrow and magnitude behind my utterance of just two short words.

I'm. Sorry.

Standing still. Absolutely stunned. I would've never imagined the scenario to turn out this way. I know I wasn't thinking. My head was screwed on backward. You know over the past couple of months my personality and mindset were in a good place. I had found inner peace. I was becoming happy with myself and the people surrounding me. I was taking each day as if it were a bull, grabbing it by the horns, and powering through. I thought I had cleansed my soul, but it is now dirtier than ever.

This event revokes any changes that I had made. It makes me look stupid and hypocritical preaching one thing then carrying out an action that doesn't follow. In my rightful mind, I would have never even thought of doing something so foolish. I will feel sorrow for years to come. I feel so empty. I feel a void in my heart. To me, you were my right hand, and what I did was a big sharp knife. I took that knife and severed one of my essential limbs.

And now here I stand. Alone. Cold. Without my right hand. I'm sorry.

With people's ability to make mistakes, there comes the ability to forgive. Only time will tell how long it may take to do so. It could be two weeks or two years. I can not pressure you to forgive me. I can not force myself back into your life. It will be genuine when the time comes. I will wait however long I must to have you back in my life.

Approach me whenever you're ready. Time does the trick almost always. Time for me to reevaluate poor, impulsive decision-making and for you to think about what occurred and ultimately decide whether or not you will choose to take me back. Whatever you decide on doing, I will be content with. I am in no position to be upset at you for choosing to terminate our relationship when I was fully at fault. I will be here with open arms. Always.

After all is said and done, you will forever be in my heart. I just want you to know all the times we had, the conversations we spoke, the text messages that were sent, each and every laugh we shared, and the late night drives we took from day one will forever be in my heart. It pains me that I put you through this. It pains me that I lost you. It pains me to the extent that I cannot peacefully sleep at night knowing what I did. I will always love you. I will always think about you.

This is everything I wish I could say, but it may be too late. It is now left unsaid. Forever and always.

I'm sorry.