Every November is Pancreatic Cancer Awareness month. So at the end of every year, I think not only about the loss of my daddy and how I feel every single day, but also the fact that millions of other people—some who might be my age, or my mom's age, or younger—who all feel the same exact way I do. Pancreatic Cancer IS one of the worst possible cancers out there. It is undetected until it is too late to cure.

It is pretty much only "curable" if it is stumbled upon accidentally in its very beginning stages. Which is why it is said to be one of the "rarest cancers" out there. Usually once diagnosed, the longest you live with this disease is 5 years, but in most cases it's less than a year.

I feel that not many people pay attention to this cancer unless it directly affects them. If you have been directly affected by any cancer at all, you know right away; once you hear that word, you think "oh no, cancer leads to death" but then you have to stop and think about the person who is sick, and that you don't want them to have that mindset, so you put on a smile and make sure everything is okay and they have the courage and drive to fight.

You know what it's like to see them after chemo—their hair loss, their constant throwing up, their running to the bathroom, their crankiness. You know how it feels to watch them go from this happy person to someone who doesn't even want to eat or be spoken too. Someone who used to love to eat certain foods to this person who can't even smell food without getting sick. You think of cancer and you remember coming home to see that person sleeping on the couch and not moving when they were always the most active person in the world. You remember those constant chemo treatments and sitting there with them trying to make it feel normal, and then coming home trying to crack jokes just to make them laugh. Then, you remember running into complications.

You sit there and you remember every little thing that went wrong and how you used to scream at God because it wasn't fair that the nicest person in the world was going through something so terrible. You remember thinking to yourself "Wow, I wish this was happening to me and not them." You remember the texts and phone calls saying "The blood is too messed up no chemo this week" and having the person not have it. You remember "OK we're going to try this instead" or the texts, "OK we're running to the hospital it's okay, though, don't worry" while you're at school or at work.

You remember seeing the drastic change in the person over a few months. Different colors in the face, and drastic weight loss. You begin to get scared. You start to see how much the fight is tiring the person out and no matter how much you want to cry and kill someone you smile for your loved one, and you say that you're fighting alongside them because that's what they need. A perfect mindset.

You cry yourself to sleep, but once you see them, it's a smile. You remember seeing that person getting scared, so you do too. You remember those complications where there's internal bleeding so they have to take that person off the chemo regimen and they put your loved one on radiation which you know, kills all the bad stuff but also kills all the good stuff too. You know this is going to weaken your loved one and most likely kill them, but it's worth a try.

You realize this is pretty much it. You keep smiling, though, because you know—"mindset." You see that person in ICU, they're so drugged up they can barely speak and when they do, it makes no sense at all because they have no idea what the hell is going on around you. But you smile. You pretend everything okay. Now blood clots start happening. Hands and feet start swelling. You're watching your loved one start to fall apart right in front of your eyes. But again, smiles.

You see them not being able to walk anymore. You're at the hospital and you see nurses trying to pick up your loved one but their knees buckle and he or she falls to the floor. Your loved one can't walk anymore, their legs are too swollen and they have to be wheeled around in a wheel chair. You watch this big strong loving person become this weak person you never in your life thought they would become. You begin to hear chatter that things aren't looking good. You start coming to terms with the fact that this disease is going to take your loved one. You don't want to believe it but you do.

There's no way to get back on the chemo regimen, so your loved one is sent home on hospice. They doctors tell you its okay don't worry its just meant to get that person stronger and everything is going to work out. Everything in reality, though, starts getting worse. You remember staring death in the eyes for your loved one and hoping and praying to God that he is going to stop the pain. The discomfort. Your loved one won't give up the fight, though.

The days go by where there's no more speaking—very quiet—you know it's going to happen and you see the pain. So you pray to God at night just to take your loved one out of pain. Never would you think that you would have to do this but you do because you know that it is better. Then finally, it happens.

Cancer takes your loved one away.

In my case it was only 10 months, but sometimes it's even less. I was lucky. So the conversations between you and your loved one, they still happen, except you can't really hear the answers anymore. The smiles, they aren't existent; you can't smile anymore. Faking it was hard enough as it is when they were alive—imagine how hard it is now that the person is gone. You start imagining all that you should have done when the person was alive... and it starts eating at you. People try to give you advice, but usually, they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about because it never happened to them. Your moods start to change. You're left here and everyone's life goes on when yours is still flipped completely upside down. This is just a brief idea of what cancer does to a family. Cancer is the worst disease ever.

Every single day, you should stop for a second and pray. Pray for the families that are going through this terrible time with another family member. PRAY for the people who are pretending to smile, for they allow themselves to break down sometimes. PRAY for patience. PRAY for understanding. PRAY for the strength for these people after the loss of the family member.

Love Always,

The Girl Who Lost Her Daddy To Cancer