You are still denying it yourself so you wouldn't believe me if I went back and told you to your face that you, My old self, are gay. You have put yourself under construction to build a person that the other boys won't taunt, and bully. You're trying every trick in the book to play the roll of the average straight boy, you're dating girls, you're saying all the same things they are saying, wearing what they are wearing, hiding how you really feel and hiding the things you really like because thats not what the other boys think and like. Its not working, you know its not working, but you're going to keep fighting, sometimes literally fighting to prove your manhood. Kids are going to be ruthless, and you're never going to understand what you did to deserve it. You're going to hate yourself, every little bit of yourself because the other kids told you to. You won't think you're smart enough to be friends with your friends, handsome enough to ever be loved, tall enough, masculine enough, you think you're never going to be enough but you are so wrong.
You will go to high school, make new friends, meet new foes, but this time you decided to put up your defenses. You vowed to never cry at the hands of another bully, but you get a little over zealous. You will learn to hate first and love later, you will build walls higher than you could ever climb, and it will eat you alive. There will come a summer where you are at your lowest. At this point you have come to terms with who you are but you don't think you will ever let the world know too. But, one day you will realize that coming out is not hoping that everyone will accept you, its being okay if they don't, and then you say it-- those two little words. You finally say them to someone other than a mirror, and just like that the words "Im gay" will bring you back to life. The world was surprisingly welcoming.
That was three years ago for me and since then I am happy. you recently decreed that you would go to New York City for school and I can tell you that you do it. You get there, and it's greater than you could ever imagine. So please, keep it together, learn to be yourself, and hold onto the every bit of light that comes your way because the world can be a dark place. You become more confident, you find love within yourself, so keep doing you.
