Dear Anxiety,
You just crept up unannounced one day and never left. You are living rent free in my mind. You control every thought that crosses me, and every word that leaves my mouth. Sometimes, it feels as if you are just awaiting the opportunity to drive me crazy.
You have negatively affected every one of my relationships. Whether it be a family member, a close friend, or significant other, you always have to come first. When I am in a room full of people I love, you have made me feel so alone. You have isolated me. There are days when I cannot get out of bed. I have missed countless classes, lunch dates, hangouts, and even job interviews. I cannot help but overthink little things, such as a period at the end of a text message, to be more than what it is. I allow myself to be surrounded by toxic people, in fear that if I leave, I will hurt them, regardless of the torture I am being put through. It's just you and I, and unfortunately, most of our time together is spent in horrid images running through my mind, panic attacks that leave me struggling to breathe, and tears soaking my pillow.
For the longest time, I have kept you hidden. There is so much negative stigma surrounding those who struggle with a mental illness, and to be honest, you have left me feeling ashamed of myself. I started to see myself as different from those around me. You have made my mind such a scary place, and even the thought of letting anyone else see that terrifies me. How am I supposed to justify my actions to someone else when there are times that even I don’t fully understand it myself? You have left me so confused. There is a not a second where your presence is not felt. It is as if I am running and running but cannot escape. Countless times I have crippled down at your mercy, but that all stops now.
Anxiety, you no longer control me. You no longer dictate my actions. You no longer define me as a person. You are merely a small part of what makes me, me. I have come to realize that you are actually a blessing in disguise. For all the times I have laid in bed wishing you away, I have come to realize how much I have grown as a person because of you. You shroud my thoughts with so much negativity that you have forced me to look for the good, both in life and in others. You have taught me to always look for a silver lining. Rather than waiting for the storm to pass, I have learned to look for the rainbow in the midst of the storm. Thanks to you, I am understanding. Thanks to you, I give myself fully. Thanks to you, I am stronger. Thanks to you, I am who I am.
With Much Love,
The Girl You No Longer Define
