An Open Letter To You

Dear you,

I want to start off by saying I know you probably won't see this. Or if you do, you won't take the time to read it. It's okay, though. I don't expect you to. If I were you, I probably wouldn't read it either.

I'm not really sure how things got like this between us or why things got so bad. I guess that's why I feel stuck. I'm really bad at the whole "closure" thing, because even when I get it, I feel like I can't accept it. I guess that's just a character flaw of mine.

I want to be the person that holds grudges. I want to be the person that waits for an apology that I know I deserve. I want to know that our relationship matters more than your pride. I'm not that person, though, and neither are you. I'm the person to apologize when someone else breaks my heart. I'm the type of person to apologize first, even when I didn't do anything wrong. I do this because time is precious, and we never know how much we really have left. I've decided that it's better to get over my own pride and save my relationship with someone, rather than let things that won't matter in a few months destroy everything I've built with that person.

I wish I could hate you, because my life would be so much easier if I did. I wish I could hate you for all of the awful things you said to me before, during and after our break up. I wish I could hate you for all of the selfish things you did. I wish I could hate you for the awful way you made me feel about myself and for making me feel like everything was my fault. More than anything, I wish I could hate you for leaving me when I needed you most. But I know I could never hate you, regardless of everything that's happened.

Even though we weren't even together for that long, you still managed to have a huge impact on my life. I don't like to admit it, but I miss you. I miss going on adventures with you. I miss staying up late talking to you about anything and everything. I miss being able to call you anytime I was bored or lonely and knowing you'd come over and comfort me, even if it was just for an hour.

I know it's selfish, but I miss you. I miss talking to you, and I have so many things left that I need to say to you. I know you don't want to hear them, but I wish you would hear me out.

It hurts seeing you across the room, knowing you'll look away as soon as we make eye contact. It hurts seeing the way you react when you notice we're in the same room. It hurts knowing that you can't even stand to look at me half the time. And it hurts the most feeling like I'll never be part of your life again, but I guess it's up to you now. It always has been.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not giving you space. I'm sorry for making everything worse. I'm sorry that I wasn't the person you thought I was. I'm sorry for everything I ever did to hurt you. I'm just sorry for everything.

Whatever happens and no matter where we end up, I want you to know that I've only ever wished the best for you.

And I always will.

-Love,

Me