Hey…

I just want to start off by saying, screw you.

Screw you for making me feel less than I am, for making me compare myself to every person I see. “She is so pretty, he’ll never think I’m as pretty as her.” “A 90??? I’ll never be smart enough.” “This girl has the whole package, why can’t I be more like her?”

Screw you for making me believe that I will never be good enough for anything or anyone.

Screw you for making me afraid to talk to people, to try new things, to be spontaneous, to be irrational.

Screw you for making me afraid.

I feel like I have been robbed a life of normalcy from you. I shouldn’t have to think out every single decision for hours before coming to the conclusion that I can’t. I hate that I fear talking on the phone, fear talking to my professors or superiors, fear ordering for myself, fear going up to the boy I’m interested in and saying hi. I shouldn’t be afraid of those things.

Screw you.

I don’t like the way you make me feel. I shouldn’t over analyze every situation and compliment. I am smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, good enough, and screw you for making me think otherwise.

Because of you I can’t be myself, I can’t do exciting things without taking days to make a decision, I can’t talk to the cute boy that makes me dizzy and my heart explode. Dealing with you is exhausting and tedious. Who do you think you are taking over my life and controlling me.

I wish I had control.

I hate NOT being in control. That’s not like me. But you have made me like that and I hate it.

I hate when people joke about knowing you, or say they know you when they don’t because they don’t actually know what you’re like. I do.

People don’t know what it’s like living with you. They just think that I can’t make my own decisions, that I’m not mature enough to handle “adult” situations. And I am it’s just that it takes me much longer to make up my mind about something. It’s unfair really that everyone else can make decisions in a split second and you hold me back.

So, screw you.

It drives me crazy how controlling and manipulating you are, I wish I could change you but I can’t. I’ve tried, but it’s time that we both just accept the fact that you are here to stay. I can’t be hung up on you anymore, worrying about you all the time. I have to live my life and be happy with my choices. Our time together hasn’t been all bad. There are times when I’m grateful to have you around. Like when my friends decide to go “climb shit” and I’m too afraid to go with them and then one of them comes back complaining of a bad fall. That bad fall could have been me, I could have been seriously injured, but thanks to you I wasn’t. But I also missed out on a memory that they all will share and I won’t be a part of. That has happened more times then any of the good you’ve brought.

So, screw you!