When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside.
To the girl who wakes up with butterflies in her stomach so intense her gut wrenches. To the guy who can't seem to catch his breath as he fights the irrational tremors running through his body. And to anyone in between, battling the same sickening feelings:
I know how you feel.
If you suffer from an anxiety or panic disorder, I know how you feel. I know how difficult it can be to get yourself out of bed some mornings and pretend like everything is OK.
I know what it's like to wake up feeling sick to your stomach for no particular reason, your stomach muscles clenching uncontrollably to the point of forcing you to retch over and over until they loosen.
I know how it feels to have your heart racing, its beat pounding in your head as your body shakes and heats up involuntarily.
And I know how anxiety and panic attacks take up most of your energy--so much energy that your poor body is left feeling like Jell-O for the rest of the day. Hopefully you're lucky and your symptoms subside enough throughout the day to be able to eat and nourish your worn-out self.
Anxiety is an irrational disorder. We all know our symptoms, thoughts and fears are irrational, and it's annoying when people remind us of this as if we have the power to control our feelings and magically halt the nerves that course through our veins without permission.
As someone who has suffered from a generalized anxiety and panic disorder for about 16 years now, I'm well versed in the ways of my own symptoms, various coping methods and the (illogic) logic that sparks an attack.
Whether you've also suffered from anxiety most of your life or have just been diagnosed, what I want you to know is this: You are not alone.
I know how difficult it is to have people around you who simply don't understand what you're going through. Their comments, though some well-meaning, can hurt more than help. But please don't ever let anyone make you feel ashamed over a mental illness that you cannot control. Others' frustration often stems from misunderstanding and lack of education. Instead of letting negative or hurtful comments regarding your mental health tear you down, use them as an opportunity to educate the commenter.
But I'm also lucky enough to know how amazing it is to be surrounded by people who know I suffer from anxiety and do their best to understand it and learn how to help me through it. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's to not constantly fear others seeing you in a state of vulnerability.
Believe me, I know how hard it is to trust someone enough to let your walls come down and ask for help, for space, for company while you're in the middle of mentally drowning in your own mind. Consider how much more energy you expend than necessary if you're constantly trying to cover up how you feel--and how much less burdened you'll feel when you can drop that weighted fear from your shoulders.
Finally, fellow anxiety sufferer, you should know that I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of the way you soldier on through an anxiety or panic attack, when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.
I'm proud of you for getting dressed and leaving the house when your mind is screaming at you to stay home, lest something bad happen.
I'm proud of you for having the strength to ask for help when you need it, to constantly battle your demons, to weather the storm, to come out on the other side of it and feel the waves of relief crashing over you. Your anxiety may take an emotional toll and weaken you physically, but you are far from weak.
