Dear borderline personality disorder,
I have lived with you for as long as I can remember, but I found out your name just two years ago. You have been with me through everything, reassuring my feelings, making sure I don't miss out on any emotion in any situation, always there to turn my mood around, even if that means making me spiral into a suicidal depression. You've been there regardless. You make sure I make a lot of new friends, even if that means having the worst falling out possible with the old ones. You find me the most patient people to love me, which actually is a great thing.
You have made my life very difficult, from never being able to control my emotions, to never being able to stay consistent with responsibilities. I have lost so many jobs because of you, you've made me drop out of high school, and cosmetology school. I have lost friends because of you, and maybe that was a good thing too. You have helped me put strain on myself, and my loved ones with suicide scares, self-harm, and inappropriate mood swings.
You have some triggers I'm aware of, but you like to jump out from behind me and catch me off guard. You are the biggest struggle I have in my life. Any emotion I go through, any happy moment, any sad, angry, confusing moment I go through, you're in control. Therapy for four years has helped tremendously. You no longer yell at people for no reason or punch people in the face because they grow tired of your crazy, unpredictable ways.
Anytime I feel strong, like I am in control, you try so hard to take over. You may have won the battle today. But I will win the war in the end.
Gray can exist in my life, feelings and thoughts do not have to be black or white. The hurtful words people say to me in an argument expressing their feelings does not mean it is a reality for me. I know who I am, you do not control that. I am not you, and you are not me. You are simply a small demon I must live with on my back. You do not get a say in how I see myself or how I cope or don't cope with feelings. You must just sit back and let me think. Just let me think. Let me think so I can use the skills I've spent so long learning, so maybe I can silence you.
Drowning out your voice is so hard, when I'm alone, when I'm trying to sleep when anything is happening honestly. You're so loud, obnoxious, persistent. But you won't win this.
I guess I'm never truly alone with you, and that's okay. Silence scares me, and I need to reminders from you. The reminders of why I'm fighting so hard every day to live in peace with you. You're going to be with me until I die, I can be and I will be strong enough to handle you.
You're the biggest burden in my life, but without you, I'd be weak.
