There are times where I feel like I am worthless and insignificant. There are times where I feel like it would be better if I didn't exist, because I feel that I hinder the essential people in my life from actually living. I feel that my mind continues to consume the darkness that I am trying to elude from. Am I the one to blame?
Is it insane that my wrist is the only canvas that I connect with? I want to roll up my sleeves and see the stars appear, but it's a broken constellation that I see. Is it crazy that the pain and its wounds are sinking me in? I feel that pain, depression and anxiety will remain as my sense of "comfort". Am I the one to blame? The tears continue to flow with the ocean currents. I don't know if I should consider it as rejuvenation or the process of drowning in my own despair. Is it normal for someone to desire isolation in order to prevent their loved ones from observing the pain and sorrow? To prevent them from leaving you in the fall of usher and detachment? Is it crazy to have the lingering question, "Is there somebody to watch you?" running around in your mind? Is it possible to indulge into so many crimson shadows? Is it possible to have the crimson shadows to define your existence? I feel my body crumbling into microscopic particles. I feel the tears. I see the mascara stains. I wish I had an umbrella.
The physical and mental pain is so difficult to endure, and sometimes I strongly believe that I don't possess enough resilience to diffuse the nostalgia within the mantle and core of my soul and mind, because I am constantly feeling alone, and I am tired of waiting for my happiest self to appear within my presence. I've been waiting too long. It feels like when you reach the zenith of negativity, you can't preserve your mind. Cultivating your own soul fades as being your agenda. I always imagined if every mind had its own utopia. Everyone would be overjoyed. I always wondered if the human mind has its own ability to glean all of the sadness and eradicate it, but that's just an imagination. I find all things symbolic, a deeper meaning that connects with my strobe light soul. I try to find poetic symbolism in the most beautiful and rejuvenated things and in the most malnourished and darkest things. However, it can be so hard to find any poetic symbolism within yourself.
Where's the self-acceptance? Where's the hope? Where's the light within the tunnel vision? Where's the soldier that was willing to break her own walls, and had enough passion and ambition to fight this war on her own? Why does the mind continue to ponder about the trauma and negative thoughts of one's self? Why? Why? Where are the answers? Are the answers worth finding? It feels like when you try to find the truths of the negative aspects of your life, there's only false hope and temporary recovery. Am I the one to blame?
As you can see, the autonomy that depression and anxiety possess can make you feel so distant, but yet so close to the darkest and inner parts of yourself. It exacerbates the process of thinking and feeling. It prevents you from expressing your emotions honestly, but instead it makes you feel numb. It makes you feel powerless for self-love. It's a disease. It's a pure and raw feeling that I never wish upon anyone.
Thankfully, I have an astonishing support system that is always there by my side, and they help me with coming back home when I feel like I am giving into fear and when I can't break free from the darkest parts of my mind. Also, I have someone truly special and perspicacious that understands how the darkness can illustrate scars onto places where pure pulchritude is displayed. My girlfriend's powerful force of true devotion and resilience bolsters me to find my purpose again. I am forever grateful. You can tell that her canvas has been carried out with scrupulous attention to detail. That's what makes a masterpiece so extraordinary. Art and the way it's displayed can connect with you instantly, and help you see the truths that may be fearful to face. But that's the beauty of art, and she's the art piece that helps me with facing my inner self. She's masterpiece that helps me to become the best person that I can be even though I may have a troubled mind. She's the masterpiece that makes you feel you can travel within the channels of your mind in a timeless atmosphere. I think having her aura connecting with mine within this universe is my second chance to become stronger, not fall back to my negative idiosyncrasies, and to morph my mindset in a positive manner. With her, I feel that there's a chance to feel genuinely sanguine about living on earth, and I can feel the love and acceptance shining through my smile again. She convinces me that I am not the one to blame. It's just the depression and anxiety utilizing their powers against me.
Isn't it absolutely insane how love and support have so much power? It's so tantalizing and ravishing that we can support people that are feeling the depression and anxiety circulate in their veins, and unable to find their silver lining. It's incredible to know that you're not alone in this world. You're not the only one suffering and covering your pain with blankets and sheets, so you don't have to observe the tear drops flowing down your cheeks. It's all about discovering the true depths of yourself and finding the inner light and strength. To this day, I'm suffering from a major depressive disorder and anxiety, but I'm continuing to push through because I know that I have a reason to be here on this earth. Eventually anyone who's suffering with these illnesses will find their purpose, and have a tight grip on their determination to heal.
Life sometimes feels like it's going to take more than a miracle to obtain the happiness that you've been reaching towards for so long. Life can make time pass by so rapidly, and your body is congested in the hollow spaces of reality; feeling like there's no chance to grow and evolve, because the darkness pulls you back to those hollow spaces. You may feel alone, misunderstood, or feel like you are becoming the broken glass that blinds you from observing your own reflection, and all you see is the cracks, but you're not the one to blame. It's not your fault; that's what your mind is preventing you from believing. Trust me, I have consumed the darkness in an empty glass, but luckily I have my support system who always reach out to me like the sun rays. I will eventually reach out to the inner parts of myself, have the self acceptance shine, and to be happy, and you can too. You are not alone. You are not worthless. You are significant. You have enough power to fight this battle. It's all a process, but you can do this. I believe in you. Always remember that it's not how you start. It's how you finish.
