To me, there is a big difference between being a dad and a father. A father is what you are when you have a kid. A dad is what you are when you put effort into raising that child and loving it with your entire heart. Now, I’m not a parent, so I have absolutely no clue what it’s like to have a kid, but I am a kid, so I like to think I have some kind of an idea. It doesn’t seem that hard to me, but it did and probably still does to you.

You’re my father and no matter what I say, somewhere deep down, I do love you. You just make it incredibly hard. You’ve made a lot of mistakes and empty promises. You’ve spent my life focusing on other things besides me and that caused a lot of damage to me. I’m not saying that that’s horrible, but your focus was on literally everything else. I have a lot of issues with myself because I could never figure out why you never wanted to spend time with me. You always told me you were busy, even if you were just sitting in the garage, drinking a beer. I accepted that answer when I was younger because I didn’t know any better, but now that I’m older, I know that I deserved better than what I got from you. I was just a kid who wanted to spend time with her dad. Can you blame me? I thought you were the coolest person ever.

I always wanted the label “daddy’s girl.” My friends were so close with their dads when we were younger. I wanted that so desperately that I did everything I could to be close with you. I asked you to teach me how to shoot a bow, I tried to hang out with you while you were in the garage. I remember asking you constantly to take me fishing. I always got the same answer. “I”m busy right now.” When you and Mom separated and we moved, I realized that my goal of being a “daddy’s girl” wasn’t going to happen, so I just gave up. That’s when things started to go downhill.

You dropped a lot on me all at once. One day you were with Mom and the four of us were happy, the next you’re in a completely different city from me. I was so used to you being around, that I would wake up in our new house expecting to smell your coffee. It took a lot of adjusting when you left. Then you started dating your wife and I wasn’t prepared for that. I had only ever seen you with my mother. It took me a long time to be okay with you seeing someone. She was really nice when I met her, but I was skeptical and I was terrified. Part of me was hoping that you and Mom would get back together, even though I knew that wouldn’t happen. When you got married, I put on a smile and tried to be happy for you, but it was hard. A lot happened after that that I won’t go into detail about because well, you already know. All of this started when I was twelve and I’m still struggling to process, six years later. I hope you understand why I closed myself off.

My sorority had a Father’s Picnic recently, but I didn’t go. I went to the zoo instead. Why? Because I knew that even if I asked, you wouldn’t go. Not just because the picnic was 400 miles away, but because I knew you would tell me a million reasons as to why you couldn’t come. “I really would love to come, but I just can’t swing it right now. Sorry, Sweetie.” On my way back to campus, I saw dozens of photos of my sorority sisters with their dads and it took everything in me not to cry. I would have loved to be there with you. I would love to have you in my life. I only had a dad for a little bit, but I remember what is was like and I miss it. I miss you. I know what’s good for me though and you just aren’t.

It took everything in me not to call you as soon as I found out about this picnic. I had a shred of hope that maybe you would say yes, but then I looked back on how the last few years have gone and that hope disappeared. It kills me to say that. Throughout the last 18 years, you have not shown up to 99% of my events. You didn’t come to a single choir concert and you only came to my first high school play because I asked. You didn’t even come to my high school graduation.You were invited. I told Mom she could tell you that you could come. I would have taken pictures with you and I would have been grateful that you came, but you didn’t. Instead, you started a fight that night. Literally every time we talk, we fight. I couldn’t handle it anymore, which is why I made the decision to just stop talking to you altogether. It’s been years since we had a pleasant conversation.

I’ve spent my life taking care of people and not enough time making sure I’m taking care of myself. That’s what I’m doing now. I know that it’s affecting you in a way that isn’t great, but I hope you’re proud. I’m making changes to better myself. I know that this change sucks when it comes to us, but you have to understand. I need you to. It will bring us both peace.

You may be my father, but you were incapable of being my dad. I can forgive you for that, eventually. I’m just not ready yet. A part of me will always love you, but the rest of me cannot have you in my life and I will not apologize for that. I hope that if you see this one day, you understand everything I’ve said and know that every decision I’ve made concerning you took a long time to decide. I hope the rest of your life goes well and I wish you luck with everything you do. I love you.