Hey Buddies,
For years you've continually drowned me in self-misery and pain, and I wish that I could say "long time no talk," but, we both know that that's not true. Some days you're quiet enough that even if it's just for a little, I can forget you're there - and other days it seems like I can't breathe without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. Everyone has their own version of you, and some people are better at managing than I am - but I'm hoping soon enough we can come to an agreement.
Here are my terms to you:
First, no more suffocating anxiety. No more talking me into being terrified when I'm walking by a group of people that I know absolutely does not know me. No more telling me people are judging me when I'm hungry, and paralyzing me so I can’t walk into the chow hall, restaurant, or grocery store. No more instilling fear when I want to go out with my friends because masses of people I don't know might be present. Not again can you, my inner demons, control what is rightfully mine.
Second, no more self-loathing. I can't remember a time when I looked into the mirror and I had a genuine compliment for myself. Every glimpse has been tainted with that your piercing comments about the gap in my teeth, the freckles on my face, and my weight. I have journals from ELEMENTARY school, where I wrote about losing weight to fit into cuter clothes - 3rd grade? Really? Why? What woke you up so early? Why have I never been able to make you stop? Not again can you, my inner demons, control my self-image and worth.
Third, no more overbearing nervousness. Let me be able to say "good bye" to someone without feeling like it'll be the last time I see their face; I resort to "see you soon" to calm myself but it doesn't always work. Let my loved ones drive somewhere without having to always let me know that they got there, and if they do forget to let me know don't make up worst case scenarios. The overthinking itself is enough to drive me crazy, I don't need the nerves to push me over - just because it’s happened before doesn't mean it's going to happen again. Not again can you, my inner demons, plague my future with constant fear of loss.
Stop making me jump to the absolute worst. Stop making me feel like I'm unworthy, not good enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not funny enough, not talented enough, not smart enough, not enough. I am more powerful than you.
Finally, I've never understood how something internal had so much power - how something inside of your own head could make you feel so small. But what's even more is that, with all of the bad you've done - isn't there good that you can do?
Now, I know that you're pretty set in your ways - and I know that switching it up isn't going to be a cakewalk. But I can't continue to let you hold my mind hostage like this, and I will continue to try to over power you with positivity. We've spent years tearing me down, and it's time to build me back up.
So, you have my propositions - and I've got to say, you're definitely the one thing I'm most definitely not terrified to say goodbye to.
Good Riddance,
Me
