Dear former Musketeer,

When you walked out, you crushed me. Rage has replaced happiness, tears have replaced laughter, and misery has replaced amusement. However, above all, saudade haunts me the most. This Portuguese word means "a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves." It often carries an assurance that this thing you feel nostalgic for will never happen again.

I write to you in order to accept the end of our friendship, in hopes to defeat this profound nostalgia, although I fear it will take more than just an letter to heal this heartbreak.

You used to fight so hard for us, forcing me to communicate when I didn’t necessarily want to. You taught me so much about life and friendship, and I will always be grateful to you. Some of my favorite memories are with you. They bring me joy, peace and comfort. Now it was my turn to fight, and I did. I struggled to keep us afloat for months, and you quit. You gave up on us. I miss you and I am angry with you. I know that you care and that you hurt, too. What I don’t know is why you did not fight for us. You were my person, my best friend. I don’t understand how one day, you just decided to give up without any warning. Reality is, you hurt me, one of the few people in this world that would take a bullet for you.

I can't wait around anymore. I can't spend any more time wishing for you to return my calls or texts and hoping for things to go back to the way they were. I miss the times where I didn’t have to speak a word and you knew what I was feeling. A time when vulnerability was comforting instead of breaking my heart. I cannot sit and wish for you to want it, too. You are stubborn and selfish. You vanished from more than just my life, and it saddens me to see you isolating yourself. I miss you but I won't lose myself trying to find you anymore.

I need to say goodbye now. I refuse to continually torture myself over the thought of your return. Thank you for the experiences and the memories. After months of trying to pull you out of the past and into the present, I will begin to repair the damage you have caused me. I will always love and miss you, but it is time for me to put this to rest.

Goodbye, old friend.

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