Hey there,
I'm not sure what to write to you, because I'm not sure how to feel. Part of me wants to be mad at myself. Another part of me wants to blame God. I mostly want to blame you. It's so unfair to lose such a talented soul. I'm not sorry for how I feel - maybe it's the grief talking, but you don't just get to choose this, and not expect me to be mad.
I wish I knew sooner how you were feeling. I keep replaying the last time I saw you. The way you acted so normal. The way you put me as the center of attention and not asking for the attention you deserved. I keep seeing that smile. Your smile can light up a whole room. I miss my friend, and I don't understand any of this yet. I pass your grave sometimes. I can't believe that's where your body lives now. I can't think that you are six feet below, and I'm supposed to move on with my life.
I pray to God everyday to forgive you. I know the bible says this is a sin, but how can God punish someone who was hurting so bad? I can't imagine my God, our God, would punish you. I know you prayed to him for help for guidance. I don't know why God didn't come sooner? Why he didn't save you? Why he didn't answer your prayers? I'm not God, and I'm not sure what you two decided on. All I know is your bible was very well used from what I saw at the funeral. I pray to God for forgiveness for both of us.
I'm sorry, but I don't know how to feel toward you. You never told me you needed me. I could have called you, drove to your house, or even just listened to you if you would have told me that you needed me. I'm mad that you took the easy way out. You left me here to pick up the pieces. Did you not think I wouldn't want to do the same thing you did when I lost my friend? Everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay. I'm being put in group therapy, so I don't end up another "victim". No one knows, but I couldn't take the easy way out if I wanted.
I have thought about it - I won't lie. Then, I thought about how damaged everyone is now that your life is over. My life isn't just my own. My family and friends expect me in their life because I am important just like you are. My dad needs to walk me down the aisle. My mom needs to hold my hand when I bring my child into this world. God needs me to fulfill his plan. You need me to let people know the truth of suicide. I'm not giving up on myself. Thank you for making me realize the best in life even though you had to lose your life to do it. Your soul will never be forgotten.
I miss you more than I love cake,
Your friend
