An Open Letter To My Anxiety & Depression
Health and Wellness

An Open Letter To My Anxiety & Depression

You Tried To Take Full Control Of Me, But I Ended Up Controlling You.

20
Google Images

To The One's That Tried To Take Over My Life,

I'll start with you, Anxiety. I just want to say thank you for making my life difficult for nineteen years. I mean that in a sarcastic sense. You came into my life when I was seven years old; all because of what that horrible man did. You saw something that you could latch on and you went for it. You saw me as a little girl struggling to breathe and you got enjoyment out of it. You kept the attacks coming. Whenever I calmed down you'd just make my heart run faster again. I appreciate all those times that you kept me up all night with those racing thoughts. Am I gonna be late tomorrow? Did I say something wrong earlier? I think they were talking about me. What if I'm not good enough? Will I make it through tomorrow? What would happen if I just ran away? Every night, you'd push harder and harder onto my lungs until I couldn't breathe.

You invited a friend into my life: depression. You saw how weak I was getting from what you were doing to me that you thought bringing this demon along would make me crumble faster. The two of you would fight constantly in my head. You Anxiety, would make these horrible thoughts pop into my head about the welfare of my own life. You'd get the depression to agree with you. It was like a game; whenever I'd have a moment where I was generally happy you would immediately destroy that happiness. Those thoughts that popped into my head : just drive off the bridge, it'll be okay. That wasn't me, that was you. I would never ever end my life because that meant that you had that full control. I tried desperately to have a firm grip on you, but you always managed to slip and I would fall apart.

You prevented me from trusting people; from letting people in. You convinced me that no matter who would come into my life they would just end up leaving. I held onto that fear for so long because you made me believe that I wasn't worth it. You were the dark entity that would sit on my chest at night, preventing me from sleeping, or causing me to have nightmares. You did a good job with those nightmares, depression. You would pull everything from my subconscious that I was absolutely afraid of and I would be trapped until you decided you were done with me. You turned me into someone that I hated, a person that was amounting to nothing. I wouldn't get out of bed because of you, I barely worked because of you. I had no motivation and I didn't have a care in the world.

You almost won. You almost won when I stopped caring about myself, when I stopped caring about what was going to happen to me next. You wanna know what happened next though? I destroyed you. You were not gonna take me and control me. I was gonna control you. I had the power. I had this hidden strength buried deep inside that you tucked away; you hid it so far that it was unreachable. It was finally in front of me and I had my entire life in my hands. My life was worth it. My life was beautiful. Everyone that was in my life was beautiful. I wanted my life back. I wanted me back. And I got it back, I got it back full force because you lost. You thought you were close to winning, and believe me you were, but I came back strong. Stronger than ever because I have always had that strength. I never believed I did because of you.

That strength is here. It's me. I'm alive and you're not. You will no longer control me. I will control you. I will forever have this control on you and you will never try to take my life away, again.

Signed with a huge middle finger,
Me

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Lifestyle

15 Black-Owned Haircare Brands That Cater As Much To Inclusivity As They Do To Your Locks

Championing Black entrepreneurs who make some of our hair favorites.

The haircare industry is vast. With the rise of social media came hundreds of thousands of empowered, niche brands. Single entrepreneurs came out of the woodwork with hair brands that now, years later, have dedicated cult followings.

Of those multitudes of brands, few cater to all hair types, most made without regard for curly or coily hair. These brands, however, are different.

Keep Reading... Show less

Minorities are consistently under-represented in our day-to-day lives, notably in the world of fashion. It's likely you're looking for a way to support black artists. Whether that's the case or you're just a fashion-lover in general, these brands aren't just some of the best black-owned fashion brands — they're some of the most innovative brands of our time, period.

From luxury staples to fun accessories and loungewear, these brands aren't just stunning names you should definitely be following on Instagram, each honors the founder's roots in unique ways with the power of storytelling through artistic expression that manifests in pieces we can't wait to wear.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

10 Home Items You Need For Stress Relief, On The Days You 'Literally Cannot'

Fill your home with peaceful, calming coping mechanisms.

I'd like to think that 2020 is teaching us a lot. Or will teach us a lot. Or will be a story we tell at parties one day. Ultimately, this year has been — and is probably going to continue to be — a bit of a mess.

At the beginning of the year, Australia was on fire and we mourned the death of Kobe Bryant. Then, coronavirus (COVID-19) took our spring and shut us in our homes, inciting panic over public health and sparking political upheaval at every decision made by local and federal officials alike. Now, a week after George Floyd's death at the hands of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin, a nationwide conversation is reignited with protests regarding racial injustice in the United States. There is an enormous amount of tension, hurt, and change that is upon the American people.

Keep Reading... Show less

No matter who you are (an introvert, person of color, member of the LGBTQ+ community, Scorpio, TikToker, you name it), we want to hear what dating in America is like for you and the thoughts you have while working through the talking stage, first dates, navigating love, working through dating problems, etc.

Keep Reading... Show less
Lifestyle

30 Black-Owned Skincare Brands Every Beauty-Lover Should Know About In 2020

They're not changing the game — they're making a new one.

Skin is something most beauty-lovers obsess over from our early teens, whether our aim is to be glowier, softer, dewier, or poreless, most of us are consistently tracking a new skincare goal. No matter how many products we try, we'll likely forage on with the goal of IRL Photoshopped skin, no matter how many dollars go to them.

The black-founded skincare brands below are the brainchildren of extreme dedication and resilience within the privileged world of beauty. Born out of resilient entrepreneurs overcoming circumstance in a world that does not favor business people of color, these brands have loyal cult followings, and with good reason.

Keep Reading... Show less

A huge part of being in a relationship is communication and, well, part of communication is listening. So, why not have a little fun with your partner and see just how well they know you?

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

7 Ways You Can Safely Attend A Protest In The Middle Of A Pandemic

Wear a mask, but speak up.

It seems like coronavirus (COVID-19) has been around forever now. Life before masks and with public sporting events is a distant memory, hoping to make a comeback sometime this year. We've all had to make some sort of life changes to abide by this pandemic's rules. But that doesn't mean everything has stopped. On May 25, George Floyd died at the hands of Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin, sparking a cry for justice and racial equality across the nation.

For the last week, protests have taken place in major cities like New York City, LA, DC, Chicago, Phoenix, Portland, Dallas, and Floyd's hometown of Minneapolis. Many of the cities experiencing protests have begun phased reopening, while others (specifically New York City and LA) have yet to begin phase one of post-coronavirus reopening.

As COVID-19 is hardly in our rearview mirror, there are extra precautions protestors can take as they advocate for justice.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Helpful, Effective Mental Health Resources Specifically For The Black Community

These organizations are qualified, caring, and acknowledging the mental trauma individuals are experiencing.

On May 25, George Floyd died after being pinned to the ground by a Minneapolis police officer. In the last week, protests have sprung up across the nation, demanding justice for Floyd and accountability for police brutality. Social media has also seen widespread conversation regarding Floyd's death, Black Lives Matter, and racism in the United States. Today is #BlackoutTuesday, where many are sharing a single black square to represent unity and support for Black voices.

In light of the heavy climate that our country is facing, it is a safe assumption that many individuals' mental health may be suffering. We wanted to highlight mental health resources and organizations that are Black-owned and prepared to assist in whatever you're going through.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments