An Open Letter To My Anxiety & Depression
Health and Wellness

An Open Letter To My Anxiety & Depression

You Tried To Take Full Control Of Me, But I Ended Up Controlling You.

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To The One's That Tried To Take Over My Life,

I'll start with you, Anxiety. I just want to say thank you for making my life difficult for nineteen years. I mean that in a sarcastic sense. You came into my life when I was seven years old; all because of what that horrible man did. You saw something that you could latch on and you went for it. You saw me as a little girl struggling to breathe and you got enjoyment out of it. You kept the attacks coming. Whenever I calmed down you'd just make my heart run faster again. I appreciate all those times that you kept me up all night with those racing thoughts. Am I gonna be late tomorrow? Did I say something wrong earlier? I think they were talking about me. What if I'm not good enough? Will I make it through tomorrow? What would happen if I just ran away? Every night, you'd push harder and harder onto my lungs until I couldn't breathe.

You invited a friend into my life: depression. You saw how weak I was getting from what you were doing to me that you thought bringing this demon along would make me crumble faster. The two of you would fight constantly in my head. You Anxiety, would make these horrible thoughts pop into my head about the welfare of my own life. You'd get the depression to agree with you. It was like a game; whenever I'd have a moment where I was generally happy you would immediately destroy that happiness. Those thoughts that popped into my head : just drive off the bridge, it'll be okay. That wasn't me, that was you. I would never ever end my life because that meant that you had that full control. I tried desperately to have a firm grip on you, but you always managed to slip and I would fall apart.

You prevented me from trusting people; from letting people in. You convinced me that no matter who would come into my life they would just end up leaving. I held onto that fear for so long because you made me believe that I wasn't worth it. You were the dark entity that would sit on my chest at night, preventing me from sleeping, or causing me to have nightmares. You did a good job with those nightmares, depression. You would pull everything from my subconscious that I was absolutely afraid of and I would be trapped until you decided you were done with me. You turned me into someone that I hated, a person that was amounting to nothing. I wouldn't get out of bed because of you, I barely worked because of you. I had no motivation and I didn't have a care in the world.

You almost won. You almost won when I stopped caring about myself, when I stopped caring about what was going to happen to me next. You wanna know what happened next though? I destroyed you. You were not gonna take me and control me. I was gonna control you. I had the power. I had this hidden strength buried deep inside that you tucked away; you hid it so far that it was unreachable. It was finally in front of me and I had my entire life in my hands. My life was worth it. My life was beautiful. Everyone that was in my life was beautiful. I wanted my life back. I wanted me back. And I got it back, I got it back full force because you lost. You thought you were close to winning, and believe me you were, but I came back strong. Stronger than ever because I have always had that strength. I never believed I did because of you.

That strength is here. It's me. I'm alive and you're not. You will no longer control me. I will control you. I will forever have this control on you and you will never try to take my life away, again.

Signed with a huge middle finger,

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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