You always wondered why I left you; but I can never tell you in person. I fell in love with you, so quick, before we were even together. Our friendship was strong, and I thought it was never possible to fall in love with you; but, the month before I confessed how I felt, my heart beat was pierced only for you. The moment we were together, I was high off of happiness. I haven’t remembered the last time I was that happy. It was like you swept away my depression, but you didn’t; In fact, you made it vile.
Those words you said, how I was beautiful, how I was perfect, I never believed them, why should I? But for about five minutes, I did, then the good feeling would fade away. When you told me you love me, I also didn’t believe you. I thought I was a joke to you, or that you only wanted me for my body. I remember I even asked you, “Am I a joke to you? Are you dating me only for sex?” Your reply, “No, why would I call you my girl if I wanted sex from you. You live FIVE hours away. Too far.” You laughed too. Bullshit. You wanted my body. YOU KNEW about my anxiety with sex.
The day you told me you could come down and see me, that you were going to visit me for my birthday, I felt like the luckiest person ever! The man I love is going to travel five hours just to see me! I felt special. That day you came, I remember running to hug you, running into your arms; the arms that made me feel at home. That day we walked around everywhere, to the mall, to my house, even to my work, so I could show you off. You met my best friend, the girl who means the world to me. She approved of you, she saw how much happier I was with you holding my hand. That day was the best with you.
The next day, we went to my best friend’s house. We were walking down the street and I walked a little faster than you. I was ahead of you. I vividly remember, you grabbed my arm, as hard as you could, I remember the pain. It bruised later as well. Then I remember when we were in her house, she went to her room for a moment, you wanted me to come sit with you on that chair, I don’t like tight spaces, I said no. You grabbed my elbow then, you grabbed hard, I cried in pain, you would not let go. When I retrieved my elbow back, I sat as far away from you, and I remember the disgusted face of yours, you looked evil, you looked happy that you put me in pain. Was it because I didn’t want to sit with you? Or because I never liked when you placed your arm around my shoulder? I tried to avoid you as much as I could.
Day three. You came over before dinner, while mom and dad were working and brother was upstairs gaming. It was just you and me. I was taking slutty selfies on your snapchat, saved most of them, sent some to your friends. I noticed how much you enjoyed watching me, I also noticed you glaring at my chest. But hey, they were mainly there for you to view, so I didn’t care. Then the time came when you wanted to make out. Yes! Make out session with my boy! But I remember your hand moving around, places I did not like. You knew the places I didn’t want you to touch, so I told you stop. But you continued. I couldn’t scream, my brother would have come downstairs. I remember using the bathroom as an excuse, but you grabbed and squeezed my wrist. At some point you let go as I was about to cry. But dinner time came and daddy loved you, he’s never liked my boyfriends. Of course mama adored you too. I was happy they did.
The day my birthday came around, I was a little depressed, my sister was treating me like shit, mom and dad went away on vacation a couple days before, and so I was just depressed. I didn’t want to go out and do anything, not even with you. You took me to a park just to lecture me on how I shouldn’t ignore you, how I was stupid to tell you I wanted alone time. I was angry. How DARE you call me stupid, how DARE you tell me it’s not my right to ignore you, especially on my birthday, when I am feeling depressed. You hugged me, but I did not hug back. I just went home, I didn’t even want to look at you. And I was not excited or the next day, a five hour bus ride with you so I could visit my friends. I tried to sleep so I didn’t have to talk to you. I think when I went back to Kelowna, That’s when I realized, I wasn’t in love with you anymore; because I realized the abuse from you, which it was slowly starting. I spent one day with you, but we ran into friends. I used them as an excuse to ignore you, so I could catch up with them. I saw the anger on your face, but I did not care, you couldn’t do anything.
The day I had to return home, I woke up late, I almost didn’t catch my bus, I was in my ugly pajamas, with my calf high fuzzy socks in my toms. Was not a pleasant look. I didn’t even get to use the bathroom or eat breakfast! So of course I was upset that day. That was a long bus ride home, people looking at me strangely, and my blood sugar being low from no food, I was not in the mood for talking. So I did not talk to you at all on the way home, I just told you I was going to sleep. When that bus finally got me back home, I had to walk home in the boiling heat, with my suitcase and pillow and still an empty stomach. That upset me more. I told you I just didn’t want to talk to anyone that day. What you texted me was not acceptable. That was where I drew the line. Remember what you told me?
“I don’t deserve this. I deserve a girl who is happy and actually wants to talk to me. It’s not fair for me.” Yeah, okay, so I left you. You’re telling me that you deserve someone better than me? Then why claim that you love me? If you say you love me, you have to love my depression, you cannot just tell me to be happy, because hun, it doesn’t work that way with me. I know it sucks, but my depression is me. My disorder is what makes me, so you have to love it too.
So now you know. You can stop texting me, you can stop trying to see me when you come down, because I don’t even want the thought of you anymore. You disgust me. I do not put up with abuse from relationships. I get enough of that at home, and you knew that too. I left you because you hurt me, mentally and physically. Words hurt too. Not just actions, even though yours did. I fell out of love, because the way you made me feel in the end, not the beginning. Goodbye.
