Dear Abuser,

The toxicity of this relationship has exceeded all control I have of being able to breathe. The outbursts, the manipulation, the shame--I cannot endure this kind of torment any longer; my body cannot endure this kind of torment any longer. For years you have made me feel worthless, unlovable, undesirable. I have put up with the verbal abuse--insisting that I'm overweight, that I wear too much make-up as a facade to cover the scars on my face of despair and heartache, telling me that I have needed to go on a diet but never will because I have no drive or determination to look good; as if how I look was not good enough in your eyes or the eyes of the people around me. Time and time again you have done nothing nor said anything to make me feel comfortable in my own skin. The words that I've taken comfort in are the exact words women who hear them flee from. You've done everything in your power to make me squirm, make me question, make me live in constant fear of not being enough for someone to love me other than you yourself. For years I've lived in your shadow. I've allowed myself to live in the abyss of darkness of which you kept me from the world in which you told me wanted nothing to do with me.

You have inflicted me with manipulation after manipulation; making me believe that my self worth depended on your perception of who I have to look like, who I have to be, what I should be doing with my life, and not who I already am. On rare occasions, there was a glimmer of hope for you; on those rare occasions you made me feel like I could actually be the pretty one in the room. But constantly in the back of my mind I would hear your faint harsh voice reminding me that there was a better model of what a woman should look like. Everywhere I looked I was comparing myself because you had engraved it in my brain that I would never amount to the beauty of the next girl. I would steer clear of public bathrooms because of the incessant mirrors--my reflection would appear and all I could do was stare. Stare at the loneliness in my empty hungry eyes desperately searching for hope of something better than looking for a flaw. I have not been able to love myself because you never truly loved me. I ask myself daily how I ended up trapped in your grasp of control.

But not today. Today, I relinquish all rights I ever gave you. Today I set myself free form your talons of abuse. No longer will I allow someone to tell me I'm worthless. Being in this toxic relationship with you has taught me that my identity is not found in comparisons or compliments- it is not found in how people view me or how people should view/perceive me. My identity is found in God. My identity is solely found in God. No more will my beauty be defined by what the world says or portrays it to be, but by who God has created me to be.

Abuser, I leave you with this: you have no control over how I am defined. Let this resound and remain an echo in your head as a reminder that I have moved on, that I have found the light and am onto a better life, without you. Your influence on how I should look will no longer be a fear that I so long believed. God has captivated my heart and made me whole.

With Forgiving Love,

Victoria

I wrote this letter to myself for the first time as a visual of what it feels like to be put down by my own hand--constantly comparing, constantly desiring, and constantly abusing myself because I'm not what the world thinks beauty should look like. For years I have been made to feel as if I'm overweight; that I just don't fit in and that I need to go on a diet to fit in. I've been shown that masking your insecurities is used best when wearing make-up and fancy clothes. When I learned the tricks of the trade to mask my insecurities, I became a pro at hiding how I truly felt on the inside. But not anymore. Unlike others, I'm taking a stand against my own mind and judgement to assure myself that my identity and beauty is found in God and God alone. Moving forward, I'm not going to let the manipulation of what the world tells me to look like and abuse my mind, body, spirit and soul for the image that society paints of beauty.

I will define and defy the laws of worldly beauty by making my body my own.

"You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you"- Song of Songs 4:7