If You Don't Have An Open Bar At Your Wedding, Don't Invite Me

If I am going to watch you be in love, I am gonna need a few drinks to cope with how single I am.

Sep 10, 2018

I was raised Church of Christ, so all too often have I been to weddings without a bar. It wasn't the worst thing ever, and I know there are personal religious convictions for the lack of alcohol—which is respectable—but as I have ventured out of the Church of Christ wedding realm I have found the bar to be my newfound saving grace.

Whether it be an open bar—my personal favorite—or cash bar, if you have a bar of any kind, you will receive an RSVP along with a wonderful gift from the registry as my token of thanks. There's nothing worse than showing up to a wedding, flask in hand, just to find out there's no bar (so am I the only drunk person here now?) ... Awkward.

I know it seems harsh, but unless Jesus Christ himself will be there to turn the water into wine please do not invite me to your dry wedding...

Here are a few reasons to definitely include alcohol for your guests:

1. Weddings are on weekends

I spend my Monday's looking forward to my Friday's and my weekend's dreading my Monday's. If I am going to spend a night from my sacred weekend celebrating someone else's love story I have yet to attain, then you bet your bottom dollar there better be some alcohol there to numb that pain.

2. I won't dance

If there's no alcohol, the reception looks like a middle school dance. Girls on one side, guys on the other. Without alcohol, people refuse to dance, and if nobody is dancing, then that means I am not dancing and I wanna freaking DANCE. Also, my moves are better left forgotten—which is why a bar is the best solution for everyone involved.

3. Strangers stay strangers

There are so many people from different parts of the bride and groom's lives that there is always that awkward small talk. "Are you here for the bride or groom?" "How do you know said bride/groom?" "Oh, how lovely." "Cheerio!" No thank you. You put alcohol in the mix and we are going to go from strangers who both awkwardly dated the groom to best friends for life.

4. It helps me cope

It is hard enough as it is to be single, but to watch two people get married and be in love—it's depressing. If I am going to watch you be in love, I am gonna need a few drinks to cope with how single I am.

5. Liquid courage

How else am I supposed to hit on the hot groomsmen if I don't have a little bit of wine to give me that extra kick of confidence? Also, how are any groomsmen going to think I am the hottest person they've ever seen without their drunk goggles on?

6. Alcohol is my weapon

Wanna know how to catch the bouquet? Make sure every single woman is as drunk as possible, don't drink and then you can catch the bouquet cause everyone else is visually impaired. I don't have height or athleticism working for me, but if I am the only sober person there then maybe I can finally catch the infamous bouquet and I don't know... get married?

I know saying, "Don't invite me to your wedding unless there's a bar" seems kind of selfish... but that's because it is. Think of it this way though—I am just one less person to pay for and one less person sneaking a flask in for your grandma to judge... so in the end, am I really being all that selfish?

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If You Don't Have An Open Bar At Your Wedding, Don't Invite Me

If I am going to watch you be in love, I am gonna need a few drinks to cope with how single I am.

1. Weddings are on weekends

2. I won't dance

3. Strangers stay strangers

4. It helps me cope

5. Liquid courage

6. Alcohol is my weapon

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