I spend way too much time beating my self-esteem into the ground. A majority of the time I just try to lightly joke about the parts of me that I dislike. Most of the time I can see it becomes too much. Eventually people stop reassuring you that “you’re good enough” or saying “that’s not true, you’re wonderful!" Not because they don’t believe it themselves, but because you simply don’t and it seems like you never will.
I can’t keep blaming people for giving up on me when I give on myself. It’s unfair of me to treat myself so poorly and expect people to come to my rescue every single time. It pushes people away. There have been so many situations where I’ll be talking to someone and I’ll make a self-deprecating joke and then the conversation will just go completely silent. There’s not much I can say about that. I made them uncomfortable and that’s my fault, not theirs. It seems like it’s all just a cry for attention.
Now, not all self-deprecation is a cry for attention and I am 100 percent aware of that. Most of the time I’m torn between genuinely disliking myself and just wanting some sort of reassurance that other people don’t see the negatives the way I do. That excuses absolutely nothing and I would just like to take some time to apologize.
I’m deeply sorry for how I treat/used to treat myself, and I am thankful for the people who continue to provide the same reassurance over and over again. I’ve gotten much better and it’s not something I do regularly anymore but I’ve thought about it and have encountered many people who have a lot of self-deprecating issues and it made me think about my own and how bad it used to be.
The more and more I think about it, the more and more I start to realize that the people that left didn’t leave because they wanted to, they left because they wanted to help and they couldn’t. They became frustrated and I can’t blame them. They put in a lot of effort and eventually it gets to a point where their efforts seem unappreciated. It was as if what they would say to me meant absolutely nothing because no matter what they would tell me, I’d never believe it and continue to dislike myself. There’s only so much other people could do for me and when they feel like they have nothing else that they can give it makes sense that they leave. It mitigates any and all effort that they put in.
For that I am sorry. For making you feel undervalued and that your efforts seemed to just fly over my head. I’m sorry for frustrating you and worrying you constantly. I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize what me disliking myself so much was doing to the people around me.
Thank you to those who continue to be with me; I know that it can be frustrating at times but I’m a lot better now and I have found so much love for myself over the span of these last few years. I’ve learned a lot and become a lot fonder of myself. I still have a lot of work to do, but I am absolutely thrilled with how far I’ve come.
