I have a really hard time talking to people. If I don't know you really well, or if I haven't had time to pull the proper facade up, or if there's something about you that trips me up, if it's anything more than just a 'hey' or a nod or a direct question that doesn't make me feel like an jerk when I don't say anything after answering, I will lock up. I'll answer your questions and then I'll just sit there, dumb, my throat locked up and nothing coming out.

It's gotten to the point where if I like someone and they seem to think that I absolutely hate them - which tends to be the general reaction to this - I'll have to apologize for 'being awkward' or 'sitting there staring at them expecting them to carry the entire conversation, please.' It's not great. It's something that gets better the better I know you, though. So chances are, if you happen to be someone who likes to try and try and try to talk to people, I'll eventually warm up. It's a part of being shy, except instead of a hundred things running through my mind and being consciously self-conscious about everything, I end up sitting there like a deer in the headlights. But I will warm up. Maybe one day I'll even say hi first - but that's a different issue entirely.

It's something that I'm trying to fix, and I don't really know why it keeps happening - some form of anxiety, repressed emotions, a pretty large lack of social interaction throughout most of my childhood - but it's something I'm trying to work on, which is where the facade comes in. Because if I can manage to throw up a facade, some sort of personality that's sort of me, if I'm having to build myself up to do something, that's when I can talk to people. But then that gets awkward and then I feel weird about that and then we're back to stage one, folks. I'm a good listener, though. If you want someone to just listen to you then I'm perfect for that. I'll sit there and I'll smile and I'll nod and I'll maybe throw in some (usually quirky comic relief) comment here or there, just enough so that you feel like it's a conversation, not a therapy session. And if you get me started on something I really care about, or just, anything, I can ramble on with the best of them.

But it's those little conversations. It's follow up questions. It's, "hey, how are you doing with this?" and then a response of "oh, good." and then silence instead of "oh, good, what about you?" or "oh, good, another activity or thing that there is in common that would be appropriate to talk about." Because that's when you spend the rest of your life sitting there with your forehead pressed against a desk thinking about how stupid you probably sound or feel and you're pretty sure you were blushing, too, because any sort of attention gets you there, especially when you can't seem to figure out how to make small-talk work.

And so that's my big problem with every sort of life. Simple conversations. I can handle crowds, I'm fine with public speaking, and ordering food or buying things is no real problem - but you ask me how my homework assignment or essay went, don't expect much other than a "Good" and then some creepy staring, because that's literally all I've got for you.