It’s almost Halloween! It’s time to decorate with pumpkins and black cats. It’s time to start planning Halloween costumes. You better buy your bags of trick-or-treat candy before every store is sold out. It’s time to think of the best pranks and scares. (You’ve had all year to think of these, so they better be amazing!) It’s time to break out the scary movie classics: The Exorcist, Scary Movie (and all of the sequels), Scream (and all of its sequels, too), A Nightmare on Elm Street, It, the creepy movie with the red-headed little boy, and much more. (Honestly, just writing these movie titles are giving me goosebumps.) All in all, it’s time to celebrate Halloween… if you dare.
I, Krissy Simpson, do not dare. I hate Halloween. I hate costumes. I hate scary movies. I hate everything that has to do with the holiday. People always assume that I love the holiday because my birthday is so close to it: October 28th. “But you’re practically a Halloween baby,” they say. No. I do not care. I am 3 days away from being a Halloween baby. 72 hours. 4,320 minutes. 259,200 seconds. Those numbers don’t seem very small to me, so no, I am not “practically” a Halloween baby.
In fact, while everyone is out celebrating this terrible holiday, I will lock myself in my room and watch Tarzan all night with every light in the apartment on. And you know what? That’s so, totally, 100% okay! I’m a scaredy-cat and proud of it. I’m scared of many things, not just Halloween. I’m afraid to take showers if I’m home alone. I’m afraid to walk through the dark without a flashlight. I’m afraid of frogs, and I’m slowly conquering my fear of the ocean. Fears are a part of us, and we should never be ashamed of them. My dislike for the terrifying holiday known as Halloween doesn’t make me any less fun than those who celebrate it. And okay, maybe I’m exaggerating just a tiny bit. I don’t despise the holiday; I just strongly dislike it.
See, the idea of Halloween seems fun and entertaining. For kids, it totally is. Most of my birthday parties were Halloween themed costume parties. On Halloween, I remember dressing up as pumpkins and cowgirls and cheerleaders and Disney princesses—all non-scary costumes. I went trick-or-treating around various neighborhoods with my parents and siblings, and it honestly was fun. My brother and I would count our candy, and we would watch Halloweentown on Disney Channel. Everything was innocent and kid friendly.
But now, as adults, Halloween has a new meaning. People actually go out of their way to scare the living hell out of others. People dressed in all black and disgusting, petrifying masks jump out from behind doors and corners and scream at people who are simply minding their own business. The one thing I hate more than scary costumes and creepy background music is pop-ups. People jumping out at me or characters in a movie popping up out of nowhere gives me a heart attack.
And the Halloween tradition people do for fun that I will never ever understand: going to haunted houses and haunted trails for fun. Why would you subject yourself to such terrifying activities? Why do people like being scared by big, ugly monsters? What do people get out of walking through haunted houses other than pee-soaked pants and an incredibly high heartrate? You people are crazy.
(Side note: I find it ironic that we adults become the monsters we were deathly afraid of as children.)
Halloween isn’t for everyone. Scary movies and haunted houses aren’t for everyone, either. The scariest movie I’ve ever seen (I don’t even think it can be considered a scary movie) was Jeepers Creepers 2. The only reason it was “scary” was because a major thunderstorm was passing through. It’s funny how loud booms and flashes of electric blue light can make any activity 10x scarier. I’ve never seen a scary movie, and I will never pay $12 for a movie ticket to go see one, either. I’ll stick to my Marvel movies and Tarzan.
To the people who try to scare me: beware my fists. I’m known to throw random punches when I feel threatened. You have been warned.
To the people who are just as scared as I am: you are not alone! It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to lock yourself in your room and do whatever you want to ease your Halloween-related anxieties.
To everyone: please be safe on Halloween!
