My best friend is essentially my ex—except for the fact that we never actually dated. We were stuck in that infernal “talking” phase for months, never putting any kind of formal title to it, until we weren’t anymore. For those months, he played the role of a boyfriend in my life. We admitted we had feelings for each other, we hung out all the time, we flirted, we were nervous and awkward around each other, we even kissed and cuddled. We never put a title on it though, and when he decided that he didn’t want a relationship—all for the sake of the friendship we had formed—it sure hurt like a breakup.

But I can’t call him my ex-boyfriend because we were never officially dating. Somehow it has become okay to date someone without actually being in a relationship.

I’m not talking about the “old-fashioned” concept of dating, in which you go on dates with one or more partners until finding one to settle down and commit to. I’m talking about all the perks of dating with none of the commitment.

This situation is certainly not exclusive to my friend and I, and I definitely do not hold it against him that our history is so ambiguous. So many young people have not-quite-exes, and almost everyone has at least one person that they were at one point “talking” to but never actually dated.

Suddenly the titles of girlfriend and boyfriend have a negative connotation. It is portrayed as a loss of freedom. When you’re in a relationship, you can’t flirt with other people. You can’t have Tinder on your phone and swipe right on people when you’re bored. You can’t go to the club and dance with someone you’ve seen around campus. Because of this, we’ve created this “talking” period in which we can have all the benefits of a relationship without the constraints.

When my friend and I were almost-dating, I definitely didn’t flirt with anyone else. I didn’t hang out with other guys. I had Tinder on my phone, and had light conversations, but if anyone tried to make a move, I was quick to announce that I was “talking” to someone. I don’t know if he did the same, and if he didn’t, I couldn’t blame him. After all, we weren’t dating or anything.

And then, when he broke it off—although it wasn’t really a breakup, because after all we weren’t in a relationship—I allowed myself to feel stupid for being upset. He was just my friend, and that was all he’d ever been, so why did this feel like any other breakup?

Because I had allowed myself to become fully invested in him without ever being sure he was fully invested in me. That’s what this “talking” period does: it allows room for miscommunication. While one person may see it as the precursor to a real relationship, the other may just see it as something “fun.” You think you’re communicating clearly by saying you’re not going to put a title on it right now, but really, you’re just avoiding exclusivity by being vague.

There will be no more dating-without-dating for me. My emotions are valuable, and becoming attached to a person that is not willing or able, for whatever reason, to reciprocate that attachment in an exclusive manner is not worth the time and confusion.

And to my best friend who is the inspiration for this article: thanks for letting me put this out there. Again, I don’t hold our weird and confusing past against you, and I’m glad we could move past our not-quite-breakup and come out on the other side equally as close. What a champ!