Let me preface this post with: I hate asking for help.

As I have grown up, I have always had the mind set that I don't need help. I don't need anyone else to do anything for me. I can do it all by myself. I have enough knowledge, resources, and drive to do whatever I need to. I'm the independent one. I have the nickname "Mom" for gods sake. I'm the one that doesn't need anyone; if anything, they need me. I'm enough for me.    

At least, that's how the past has been. 

In light of recent events in my life, I have had to start asking for help. And I absolutely detest it. It is so far out of my comfort to ask someone to help me, and it feels so... pathetic to do. I've gone this long, not needing anyone, why all of a sudden am I so helpless? 

I know there is nothing wrong with asking for help. Especially when you're in crisis mode. But the concept of having to rely on someone, is so foreign to me. Actually letting someone see you at your worst, at your most vulnerable state, is so scary to me. The more I try to rely on friends and family, the more it seems like I get taken advantage of. Which just puts me even deeper into my seemingly, never-ending-cycle of my life going down the toilet. 

And then my mom stepped in. 

Honestly, thank god she did because who knows where I would be without her. At one point I had bags packed and I was about to jump in the car and leave. (Turns out running away from your problems only prolongs having to deal with them, if you weren't aware already) Another day I cried on my bathroom floor for over five hours. I would stare at a wall for hours on end for days crying, and it was just awful. I was not okay, in any sense of the word. (I am doing better now. Things definitely aren't perfect by any means, but its better) 

Maybe if I wasn't so bull-headed I would have been more up front with what I need from those I am close with. My amazing girl-friends and family have helped, so much. Thank you for breaking down some of my walls. It has been so incredibly hard to find people you can trust and love endlessly, and I am so thankful for all of them. For all of you.     

So, as someone who hates asking for help, hates being vulnerable, hates being perceived as weak, I am here to tell you to swallow your damn pride and ask for help. 

You have to be choosy about who gets to know about your shit. (We all have issues, don't try and say you don't. Some are just better at hiding it than others) Keep trying to find your people, and love them as they learn to love you. It is needed in our lives in order to be okay. In order to survive. I'm still trying to become comfortable with leaning on people for support, it's a process. 

If you really want to continue being independent and the "Mom" like how I want to, you gotta take care of yourself. Self-care sometimes includes asking for help.     

I am still enough for me. And you are still enough for you.