I hear it. You hear it. We all hear it. Whether it be the direct message of "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" plastered all over social media, or it be indirect, sly, little messages from our friends, family, culture, and society.
Not. Skinny. Enough.
I remember when I first started dieting, when I first started abusing my body, when my anorexia first developed.I had help. Oh so much help. Or should I call it harm rather than help? It doesn't take much exploring on various social media sources to find an abundance of weight loss "inspirational" sayings. We view these as helpful motivators. We call ourselves awful names and repeat sayings like "skip dinner, wake up thinner" thinking this will somehow fulfill the gaping hole in our hearts.
Because that's what this is really about. This weight loss craze and desire to be the thinnest of them all isn't really about being skinny at all. On the surface level sure, we think it'd be nice to be thin for whatever reason. And sometimes weight loss has valid reasons to occur. But the abuse that the media and society uses to encourage this is absolutely appalling. What this is really about, is the deep desire we all have to be enough. And somehow, someway, we've been convinced into thinking that skinny is what will fill that deficiency.
As someone in recovery from anorexia, I can't help but be hyper aware of every magazine in the grocery store, every advertisement on the radio, every commercial on the television that is aimed at selling people the idea that if they just lose weight they will be successful, pretty, happy, worthy... insert your own favorite line here.
But spoiler alert: that idea that this world tries to sell you is complete and utter...
I've been on every end of the spectrum. I've been overweight. I've drown my emotions with the comfort of food. I've starved myself to the point of being so weak I was in a wheel chair. And now I live in this beautiful realm I like to call: truly living.
In this world I now live in, there is room for broccoli, and there is also room for two bowls of soft serve ice cream. There is time for exercise, and there are weeks when my body needs rest. There are days when I breakdown, and days full of incredible joy. But most of all, there is self love regardless of what my body looks like, or how society views my outwards appearance.
You see my friends, weight loss will never make you happy, or worthy, or loved. Because these things that we crave at the core of our souls are not something that is an outside job. Self love, is an inside journey. We try to fix an inner love deficiency by changing the way our outward appearance is. And you see, that is why there is never satisfaction in the idol of thin.
So you can tell me, "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
And I'll tell you this.
Hugging my mom, without her breaking into tears over the fact that she can feel every bone in my body tastes a hell of a lot better than skinny feels.
Eating ice cream with my nephew on a hot summer day and watching his eyes light up with every bite we take together, that tastes so much sweeter than skinny ever did.
Going on a date and being able to not only eat a meal, but have enough energy to concentrate on the person across from me without being overcome with berating self hatred thoughts, tastes a million times better than starving myself ever did.
Falling in love. Boy, does that sure taste good. Falling in love with life, with love, with myself.
Call me crazy, call me fat, call me worthless, whatever you want to call me.
But coming from someone who lost everything, including nearly losing my life, over trying to be skinny, I can promise you this. Life, tastes a damn lot better than skinny will ever feel.
And yes there are naturally petite individuals. And this article is in no way to shame them. Because every body is beautiful. This article is instead to point out the flaw in the societal messages that skinny is the be all end all to everything. Because truth is, is that is a damn lie. A convincing one though. One I myself fell victim to for many years.
But as I sit here writing this article I can't help but to reflect. Even at my thinnest, when I was a mere skeleton. I never, not once, felt even the slightest bit happier, worthier, or more loved. What I did feel was an immense about of guilt, shame, and pain, because I was never thin enough.
And that's what I'm trying to get at here. Being healthy is great. It's important. But healthy comes in a variety of sizes. And beauty, knows no size. Worthy, is not determinant on your waistline. Loved, can't be measured in your daily calorie intake.
Right now, just as you are, you are enough. You are more than enough. You are loved, you are worthy, and you are beautiful. You always have been, and you always will be.
No number on the scale can take away or give to you your purpose.
You life's work is not to be the thinnest of them all. And quite frankly if you spend your life striving for this idea of the perfect body, you're going to miss out on a whole lot of real food and more importantly soul food, that tastes damn better than skinny will ever feel.
Take it from me, EVERYTHING, tastes as good (way better) than skinny feels.
So if I haven't convinced you yet to eat the slice of cake, to have that extra scoop of ice cream, and to live your damn life, then that's fine.
You can have your skinny.
But as for me, I've had enough of skinny;
I CHOOSE LIFE.