Never being in the "in crowd" is something I've always had a hard time grasping. It's never been easy for me to just accept that some people might not like me and that I could fit in somewhere else better. And this plagued me everywhere I went, even when I was an awkward, naive sixth grade girl who was just trying to find someone to play kickball with at recess. Even now, the fact that I might not be the most popular girl. continues to haunt me.
It started with a joke. Somewhere along the lines of "you talk funny," "your shirt is weird," or even "you're ugly." In middle school, these were seen as common insults given to and by everyone. As the awkward tween me I tried to be cool by bringing people down but it only backfired as a result. I attempted to be "popular" by bullying others because at the time, that's what the popular girls and boys did. They made fun of people and preyed on insecurities. Awkward does not begin to sum up how my social interactions were during my younger years. It was almost painful how uncomfortable I was.
I wish I could say that I'm a completely different person but if I did, I'd be lying. I've obviously grown from a variety of experiences, but that anxiety surrounded with making friends never really faded as much as I hoped it would.
Going to college, joining a sorority, and participating in various clubs encouraged me to branch out and meet new people but despite how much effort I put in, I still never found myself as one of the popular girls. For the first eighteen years of my life, I refused to accept this fact and forced myself to fit in. I hung out with people who I didn't belong with and felt myself becoming a person that I'm not. My psuedo-friendships began to fade and It felt like the world was coming down on me.
Simply put, I didn't fit in, I didn't know why, and I didn't want to accept it.
But that was the first eighteen years of my life. On the night of my nineteenth birthday, I had an epiphany. So what if I don't have the best smile, the prettiest hair, or that I'm not the most "popular" girl. Beauty and social status are fleeting qualities, and I've come to realize that I have bigger issues than figuring out who I want to go out with on Saturday nights. I'm not saying "oh who needs friends, loner 4 life," but instead I'm trying to emphasize that being the most well known girl at school is NOT what life is about.
So to those people who are struggling with "fitting in," know that it gets better. People grow up and in the end, popularity doesn't really matter. It's who you are and being comfortable with the people you surround yourself that's truly important.
