"Do yoga," they said! "It's good for the mind," they said! It doesn't hurt, it only relaxes the body. Only the "Yogis" claim that. The dictionary says that yoga is widely practiced for health and relaxation. In other words, yoga is widely practiced for those who like to put themselves through a nice sweaty hour of uncomfortable positions that you need to so call relax in or claim to yourself that you are. It is widely practiced by those who enjoy listening to the silent cries of people they can't even see the face of.
So while driving to this yoga class, in my head I picture this studio type setting with hanging ropes and palm trees. "The scent of this studio?" you ask me. Oh, it smells like coconut and ocean breeze. I hear these instructors talking in this calm voice asking you if you need your water refilled and if you want a lemon or not. Well maybe that isn't so much yoga, but the idea of it was nice.
Back into reality, we pull up to this white barn looking building and I get asked if I'm ready. Well, of course, I'm not, but whatever it's time to get my yogi on or whatever people who naturally do yoga say. I walk in and register for this class. It happens to be free by the way, so saying I forgot my money or something wasn't going to work. When I say this place is a barn, it's a barn. Well, it was technically called a Cross-Fit Gym. So back in this barn, there are couches, a television, and a table tennis set up. So far this yoga class sounds great. It doesn't have palm trees,b ut a couch is close enough to one. I just awkwardly stand there and in my head I'm wondering where this yoga is taking place at. Do we just pick a corner in the room and hope for the best?
The lady at the front desk seems nice. I think she's snap chatting, but that's nice too. Nice people have nice "snaps." She welcomes me as I proceed to walk across the floor passing this sign saying: 'please remove your shoes'. It's too late now. I get to the locker, take off my shoes (checks socks for big toe holes), and lock up my belongings. Next to me there's a rack of yoga mats and I just assume I take one. It is a yoga class, right? Right then and there I wonder about who was on the mats, how often they have been cleaned, and what makes a yoga mat a yoga mat. Is there a Pilates mat? I assume not. So I grab a mat down and, of course, I want to the one that's out of my reach.
A friend is with me. We get our mats down and I just basically follow what she does, because I don't necessarily know what I'm doing. She walks I walk. She breathes and so do I. So far, this is tough and I can't handle it. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but they also said do yoga. So I'm not exactly sure.
She whispers to me asking if I'm ready. I'm wondering why she is whispering and where we are going because I still don't know where this yoga is taking place. Then she opens this door beside us and it looks like a dog door. You know the uneven whole at the bottom of your front door when you want your pets to run away only for a temporary amount of time. That kind of door.
We walk inside of this room and it smells like hot oil and it's also cold inside so at this point I really don't know how to feel. The room is narrow and there isn't much width. To give you a more visual image, it's like an alley. A long endless one. The studio is dark with a string of dim lights in the middle going across the ceiling. I'm pretty sure they came from Target, but I'm not going into that. So I figure these lights are setting the mood for this class. We get told to grab blocks, a cover, and a bolster. The child in me questions if we're building a fort.
We get settled in the middle of the floor and wait. We're in the exact center of this room under the Target lights. We all the worst part to sit in the classroom is the middle. Teachers or instructors, never see what goes on in the front or the back, but they catch everything that happens in the middle. Did I mention while I'm taking this yoga class I have a concussion? Well, I do and let's not even talk about concentration and balance. The instructor walks in and begins talking in this calm automated voicemail tone. She has us all sit in criss cross applesauce and so far the class is going well. So far I can do this. Then, it gets real.
She starts putting us through all these pretzel positions and once our circulation is getting cut off she tells us the breathe. Relax your mind and just breathe she says. She tells us to just reflect on our day and to just clear our minds. Well, I can't relax or clear my mind because I am too caught up in the fact that I am slowly dying. I just close my eyes and try blending in with the other people. I try putting myself in the mindset that we're all in this together and that an hour is what you make it. Then High School Musical starts playing in my head and I have to put my mind back on track.
The instructor talks and I listen trying to not cry out loud. As she is counting down the time we need to hold a position I am mentally counting down with her. Maybe a little faster. Internally I am breathing like I am birthing a whole child. I saw whole like there is even a possibility for it to be half. I occasionally open my eyes to look at everyone else to see if I was in the right position. Most of the time I wasn't and I slowly slide myself into the right positions as if I was on my way there in the first place.
My mind still isn't relaxed. I'm trying to concentrate on not dying, Time comes when we can finally lay down straight on our backs and just breathe. The position is called corpse and I felt like I was heading that way anyway. This is the only position I hope would be held for a while because I'm in need of a nap. As she is telling us all to relax of minds and think of absolutely nothing, the song that's currently playing catches my attention and the dancer in me comes out. How can my mind possibly be relaxed with a good song playing? In my head, I begin choreographing a dance to the music and am trying to remember the lyrics so I can type them into Google later to get what the actual name of the song is. The song soon ends and I think about everything else than relaxing and clearing my mind. I am doing everything possible, but that.
I then hear the instructor say to relax and that she will come and position some of our bodies. Some doesn't mean all, so in my head, I am just hoping that she doesn't come and touch me. What does she do? She touches me. It starts off with her rubbing my neck. Then she takes this strong smelling oil and massages it into my neck. It shocked me and I mentally tell her that my nose isn't stuff and I don't have a cold. I'm perfectly fine without the knock off Vick's rub. She pushes my shoulders into the floor and then runs her hands down my arms putting pressure on them and then she repeats it. I'm thinking that there better not be any oil stains on my sweater from Target. I can just feel that there are stains.
She then ends the class and we are dismissed. Everyone gets up and walk away as if they are this whole new person. I leave out the way I came in. I place my yoga mat back where I got it from. Of course in a spot that is out of my reach. I come to the conclusion that yoga is not for everyone. Everyone can not do yoga. Don't do yoga I said. I can't possibly put myself through another yoga class unless of course there are palm trees and free water refills.
