Going off to college or getting out into the world sets young adults up for getting into relationships blindly. Sometimes people luck out and find their perfect match, while others find themselves stuck inside a nightmare. We get caught up in the excitement of our first “adult” relationship, and fail to see the reality of our situation. Both men and women can be abusers. It’s important to know the signs of an abuser before you find yourself stuck and unable to escape. It is also important to know that emotional abuse can be inflicted by people other than a romantic partner. Abusers can also be friends, co-workers, employers, siblings, and even parents.
It's an all too common misconception that abuse only comes in one package. Unless there is a physical indication, it can't be abuse. Actually, abuse can be emotional, verbal, and mental too. The scariest part of these types of abuse is that the signs aren’t always clear. We don’t always see what is being done to us because we are on the inside. Sometimes we don’t see the abuse until we are out of the relationship, once we are on the outside looking in. Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to escape the abuse before it’s too late.
Emotional abuse encompasses verbal and mental abuse. It involves screaming and yelling, name-calling, backhanded comments, public embarrassment, guilt tripping, and so much more. The types of abusers that typically evoke this kind of abuse are called narcissists, but abusers don’t have to be a narcissist. In fact, an abuser may not even realize that they are an abuser. Narcissists and abusers consider themselves never wrong, and they will do and say anything to make sure you submit your self-esteem to their control. You won’t know that it is happening until you have become too weak to see the signs.
We get sucked into these relationships because the abusive behavior isn’t immediate. In fact, everything seems perfect. They reel you in and make you feel special. They are kind and affectionate, and they say exactly what you want to hear. Unfortunately, what they are saying is a cover. Their “confidence” is a mask of their own insecurities that will inevitably come out. As soon as they know they have you, they will do a complete about face and you will have no idea what hit you. They will knock you off the pedestal that they have put you on. You may already be or have been in this kind of situation.
Do you find yourself making excuses for your significant other to yourself, your friends, and your family? An example would be, “Well he was having a bad day; I probably was just overreacting.” You probably tell yourself you were overreacting because they told you that you were overreacting. Suddenly the things you were trying to talk to them about have been made out like you are guilty of the issues. This is called psychological projection. Yes, everyone has bad days and sometimes people can overreact. But if you seem to be saying this more than just one time, then your situation needs to be evaluated. Consider what you’re being accused of overreacting about. If it is something that you and the people you trust agree that your feelings are valid about, then you may not be the problem. Abusers will always find a way to tear you down and make you feel like you are the one that is “crazy” or “wrong”.
When we are in these relationships, we inevitably feel stuck. We think that we can change them, or that time will change things. Especially when we are still young we think, “Well we are still young. They will grow up one day.” My grandmother told my mother something that my mother also taught me: Never put up with something that you don’t intend on putting up with for the rest of your life, and don’t put up with it and expect it to change. If you don’t like that he never wants you around your friends, or his friends, then you need to talk to him about it now. If you are constantly feeling that you are never right, and being told that you are never right, it is time to move on. By allowing someone to treat you a certain way and never doing anything about it, you can’t expect it to suddenly stop 3 years later once you’ve had enough. By then, it’s too late. The behavior is engrained and there is nothing to do but to walk away.
By that same rule, if there are people in your life that expect you to put up with someone’s abuse, then by default that are complying with the abuser. Someone who truly loves you will not allow you to be abused or expect you to put up with abuse. If someone tries to demean or minimize your feelings about the abuse, but you feel that your feelings are valid, their opinion does not matter. A counselor once told my mother and me that no one else’s opinion about your feelings on how you’re being treated matter but your own.
Walking away is always okay. If you fear that there will be dangerous repercussions, then tell someone. Talk to your trusted friends and family about your situation, and ask for help. There is always a way to get out of an abusive relationship. If you fear for your life or need a safe person to talk to, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE. You can also visit the website at TheHotline.org if you want more information. There are also local safe haven organizations. Physical abuse can leave a scar on your body, but emotional abuse can permanently scar your self-esteem and mental health. Be proactive, and take the control over your life back. You don’t deserve the abuse you have endured, and there is a way out.
