The song, "A Small List of Things That I Would Normally Hide" by Flatsound, addresses the demons within all of us and are kept secret. So today, I am making my small list of six things I would normally hide:
1. Myself.
I hide myself. I keep parts of who I am a secret and hidden away in order to prevent letting people in. I hide my interests and hobbies in order to prevent receiving someone else's judgement. I keep my options to myself so that I cannot be wrong. But by doing this, I forgot who I am and lose a part of myself.
2. I enjoy crying.
I find crying to be incredibly therapeutic. I am not afraid to admit that I enjoy the feeling after I have let me emotions out in the form of tears. I cry out of frustration, fear, anxiety and love. I am so passionate about the meaning of these words that I often find myself crying over them.
3. My feelings.
I'm afraid to put my heart on the line and to tell people how I really feel. Because I find that by keeping my emotions to myself, I can avoid getting hurt. I struggle to let myself be vulnerable. Instead of saying, "I miss you," "I like you," or even, "I love you," because it is easier to keep these thoughts to myself than to share how I really feel.
4. I'm afraid of the future.
I have an ongoing fear that I will wake up one morning in my mid 30's and realize that I hate my life. I fear that I will reach an age at which I have not pursued my hopes and dreams and believe it is to late to start chasing them. I fear that I will lose my wanderlust that fuels my sense of adventure and curiosity.
5. Avoidance is a lifestyle choice of mine.
I fear the concept of "new." I like old. Old is safe, boring and comfortable. I avoid trying new things, being in new situations and meeting new people. The correlation between anxiety and unfamiliarity is not worth the potential gain of unfamiliar stimuli so I practice avoidance.
6. I love myself.
It's taken a lot to reach the point of self-acceptance in order to love myself for who I am. I struggle to be healthy and happy. I also struggle to accept that what this means for me is not that the same as someone else and that is okay. But I love myself because I need to in order to accept who I am.
