There are some days when I think society has made significant progress as far as dating equality among heterosexual couples is concerned. Women paying the bill, or at least splitting the bill, on the first date has become increasingly commonplace.
More and more men are supporting their partners’ goals and careers and not just praising their potential abilities to be good wives and mothers. These seem like generally good signs to me.
Then I hear the expression “Women are meant to be pursued” and I am reminded of the restrictive, sexist, and objectifying ideas many people, including women, still have in regards to relationships.
First, let’s think about the other contexts in which the word “pursue” is used. Police pursue criminals during high-speed L.A. car chases. A hunter pursues a wild animal he or she would like to bring home for dinner. People even pursue goals like getting an A on that next final or receiving an important promotion and significant pay raise.
Thus, I do not think it is a stretch to argue that the idea women should be pursued ultimately objectifies women. Women are not fugitives for men to chase down. Women are not prey to be hunted. Women should not even be looked at as goals because there is nothing that is to be accomplished when it comes to getting to know a potential romantic partner.
In all honesty, I not too long ago also believed I wanted to be “pursued” romantically. I wanted a man to work hard to demonstrate he actually cared for me and would be a respectful and considerate boyfriend should we start dating seriously.
I now realize there is a serious difference between this standard and the idea of men “pursuing” women. There is nothing wrong with men putting in the effort to demonstrate their care and interest for a woman and, in fact, both men and women should do this if what they desire is a serious relationship with a particular person.
However, getting to know someone is far different than pursuing someone. Doing the former is recognizing that person as a human being with feelings, opinions, ideas. In doing the latter, in my opinion, you are essentially going after someone with the purpose of that person fulfilling some wish or desire of your own. The very word “pursue,” I believe, carries associations of self-interest.
On a more applicable level, the idea that women should be pursued considerably reduces our agency in the entire dating process. The idea that women should just sit back and be pursuable while men chase after us is, quite frankly, utterly backward. Moreover, this idea presents us as actionless, feelingless beings.
In reality, women have feelings for men just as men have feelings for women, at least in the heterosexual dating scene. If a woman and man have feelings for each other, there is absolutely nothing wrong with both of them demonstrating roughly equal effort and interest. A woman should not be put down as “bold” or “easy” for being proactive as far as her love life is concerned.
On the reverse, a man should not be reduced to “unmanly” for letting the woman take some initiative.
I really do feel it is high time we cease looking at dating in terms of game and pursuit. Women are meant to be respected and women are meant to be cared for and women are meant to be understood (as are men and every person of every gender).Women are not, however, meant to be pursued.
