This realization has been a long time coming. But it has arrived. And now is the time that I need to pay attention, and listen to what everyone around me has been telling me for a long time, and what the little voice in my head has been trying to tell me for a long time.

Last I checked, I don’t have super powers.

So why should I pretend?

All my life has been a pattern and repetition of the words “yes, and..”. I love to help people, to take care of others, to provide quality service. I love to get involved and to spend my energy out of the house and doing things and being active. The older I got, the busier my schedule got, and this pattern has been growing exponentially.

But surely, when something grows at an alarming rate, and whatever is holding the growth isn’t adapting fast enough, what is bound to happen is a break down.

I’ve had many breakdowns. But these first two weeks being back in school have collectively been the mother of all breakdowns.

And it’s not okay. I’m beginning to understand what my mom and dad have been trying to tell me. “Are you sure you want to do that too?” “You’re going to get sick.” “You need to drop something” “You need time to just be with yourself”.

You see, I thought I was being clever. I thought I could cheat the system. Sure, maybe sleep and eating and exercise would get cut down a little bit, but it’s okay because I genuinely love everything that I am doing. But here is where I failed; I loved the world so much, but I forgot to love myself.

The truth is, there really is no way to cheat the system. And nothing beats quality time with yourself.

I want to be a super hero. But I can’t save anyone if I can’t save myself first.

Self-care is something that I thought I have always valued and understood, but I’m beginning to see that this is a subject I never dwelled on too much, probably because I have misled myself to believe that self-care is somehow selfish, that because it’s selfish, it is therefore a bad thing.

But selfish isn’t always bad. Selfish doesn’t mean you are a rotten narcissist. Selfish doesn’t mean you can’t care about other people. Selfish doesn’t mean you can’t be selfless.

And if I “understood” this, then why wasn’t I practicing it? I am not entirely sure. But I am burnt out, and running on fumes, and nobody wants that kind of a hero. I can’t recognize myself anymore. The little things that used to make me who I am have been fading as the lack of energy and enthusiasm has slowly been replaced with exhaustion, numbness, and a sense of weariness.

I have a pretty lengthy track record when it comes to being busy. But I also have a lengthy track record of self-hate, which is definitely not okay. And I am finding that I am no longer satisfied with “okay” and “not okay” answers.

This being said, I realize now that I need to start putting myself first, and paying attention to what the little voice in my head and my heart have so long been trying to communicate. This time, I will try to listen and implement. This time, I will try to genuinely love myself.

And you, reader of my article; I hope you are taking care of yourself too. I hope you love yourself the way you love your friends and family. I hope you realize you can only do your best when you are at your best. Here’s to take two! To second chances!