Now that we’re in between huge national holidays, I’d like to talk about something that’s hopefully a little less controversial than, say, politics and current events.
That something is food.
I like to think that I’ve been recovering for enough years for my eating disorder to be a relic of the past, a certain period of my life where I can look back on my bad decisions and recognize that I’ve learned from them. But that is not quite the case.
For years, the numbers consumed my life: I counted calories and kept track of weights and measurements. I wrote down everything I ate each day and estimated how many grams I would purge. I obsessed over these facts because it felt like something— the only thing— I could control.
But I’ve found that it takes even more self-control to force myself down the road of recovery, despite knowing that it’s the right thing to do after my behavior put a strain on my health and relationships.
But eating disorders are hardly ever logical like that.
It’s something that is easy to deny and hard to admit, but I can at least recognize that I’m still struggling with my old habits, and that I do relapse. There’s a constant internal dialogue where one voice says to starve or purge again, but another resists. The debate is exhausting, and even now the first voice will still win, but I’m putting up a bigger fight, at least.
The fight just gets so much harder over the holidays. I hope you can imagine why, mostly because I still can’t bring myself to write too much about the gritty details of being triggered. In short, any significant meal will cause overwhelming guilt no matter what you do with it, and you're faced with many significant meals during this time of year. It's a painful, disgusting panic, and the only form of relief will make you feel even worse afterwards. You know this, and consider it anyway.
Recovery, on the other hand, is about a different kind of guilt and frustration and denial. I love baggy clothes and chunky knit sweaters as much as anyone does this time of year, but they're so easy to hide under that when Black Friday rolls around. You find yourself in the unflattering light of a Hollister changing stall, having a brief meltdown over jean sizes when you should be making the most of the eight minutes you’re allowed to spend in there.
The advice I can wholeheartedly give, though, is to not let the difficulty discourage you from the fight. You can dance around the problem and decorate it until it doesn't seem dangerous, sure, but just addressing the side effects isn't the best way to cure a disease.
Recovery is such a personal, internal battle that you can really only count on yourself to fight it. But there’s no shame in asking for help; you can take advantage of the season’s social gatherings to reach out to people who won’t judge you, if you feel the need to reach out. There’s no shame in stepping back and finding a safe space to recollect your thoughts, even if you need to excuse yourself from the dinner table to do so.
I know how useless it feels to hear someone tell you to love yourself and treat yourself well, but know that it is a genuine sentiment. You’re allowed to make mistakes and struggle with learning from them, because recovery is a process of relearning and finding new ways to gain control. Honestly, just making the decision to recover is one to be proud of.
If you are also struggling, I hope you can find happiness and comfort during this time of year, because that’s what the holidays are for.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder and need support, please call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237, or text “NEDA” to 741741 for a 24-hour crisis line.
