I have announced that sometimes joining a partial hospitalization program for anxiety isn't such a bad idea. It is torture, but at the end, it is to help your well being. I recently got discharged and I wrote some "words of wisdom," as we like to call it. It is nice to see and compare from where you were before to where you are now. You should try this, even if you haven't taken some sort of therapy. I really hope this helps, and here is my speech and caring words for all of you.
"It all began six years ago, at age 13. I started feeling tightness in my chest and it was very hot. I had no idea what it was. I tried to fight that feeling, and I was afraid to go to the doctor because I thought I would find out terrible news. It was so hard for me to fall asleep as thoughts raced through my head.
In fact, I did not know what anxiety was once the doctor diagnosed me with it. I did not know a thing about it, not even that there's such thing as 'anxious thoughts' or symptoms.
My high school years were really tough; my grades were terrible, and I barely showed up to class. It was devastating. I lost some friends that meant a lot to me.
Recently, while in college, it all got worse. I couldn't handle it anymore. My grades were slipping again because I couldn't even get up and drive without having a panic attack. My professors would not understand that.
Everything was just piling up on me, so much that my panic attacks were terrible, I had to go to the emergency room because I thought the end was near for me. I was hospitalized there for a week as an in-patient because I could barely function. I was just an emotionless body. Once I was placed there, it all came back to me as I was put on medication.
Things started clearing up for me and I have never felt so alive. I realized that art was my thing, since I did not have my cell phone. I would always wake up early and sit by the window, sketching the tall old trees where the doctors' new Infinities were parked. I was able to smile again, thanks to that hospital.
When I was discharged, I was still having trouble being myself. On the first floor, there was the partial outpatient program. Sadly, I didn't have the proper insurance for it. It took me a whole month to get someone to give me my insurance!
When I finally had the chance, I immediately drove there and I was able to fill in paper work and get evaluated. On my first day, I had no idea what was waiting for me. I originally came here for health anxiety. I checked and reassured frequently. The visits to my doctor were nonstop. I always had to ask my family if I seemed OK and not sick. I Googled my symptoms at least 20 times a day!
Once I was told that those things were not the answer, a week later those habits decreased gradually. As you add more of those behaviors to your anxiety, it actually increases your anxiety. Like the saying 'fighting fire with fire.' Because of that program I would of never realized that I was self conscious, had trouble accepting myself and happiness.
Although, I have to say that this is changing. I have to let myself be happy because I deserve it and as days go on, I get more and more used to it. More importantly, I realized that it is not the situation itself, it is the way you handle it. I know it is hard to believe that things get better, but they do. I am begging each and every one of you to not give up or lose hope. If I see any person come back here for their second time, I will kick them out. Well, that is once I become a therapist! You will hear from me and will not see me smiling.
Remember that it is the journey that matters and not the destination itself. Imagine if we reached our destination and had no anxiety at all? Life would me boring and pointless. Also remember that there will be bad and good days, as well as bad and good feelings. That's just how life works out and we all have our own unique story to tell, so don't ever think that you can't do this.
We are allowed to feel physical and emotional pain, have painful and good thoughts, and everything else.
Thank you to everyone who has inspired me and that has made me smile. These are my words of wisdom."
