I have a spending problem. I know this because I just walked 4 blocks down El Cajon Blvd, just to get money out of my savings to buy a latte, because why the hell not?

We always portray and illustrate the financial status of college students so lightly. It's like being a poor college student is expected and socially acceptable. I didn't realize the severity and despair of being poor until I drained my checking and savings in a record time of one month due to the overwhelming amount of temptations I induced myself and my inability to control my impulsive spending. So here I am now, typing this article, with my $5 latte that I now regret purchasing and a savings balance of $15.

I'm a poor college student. But it's different because my family is extremely well off, living comfortably and making at least six figures a year. So why don't I just ask them for money, you ask? Well then it will just be a matter of time until I drain my account again because I simply can't control myself. It's a vicious cycle where I would ask them for money every month and blow it all on personal aesthetics. Every month I ask my parents for money, my relationship with them deteriorates and honestly, I hate myself for that.

Being poor is like a form of mental illness that is derived from impulsive spending. Like alcoholism or drug addiction, you are consumed by your own self-indulgence caused by impulsive behavior and that habit becomes a form of dependency. You become less and less of yourself, you start to think irrationally, and you completely change the way you view things and live. But unlike alcoholism and drug addiction, there is no rehab or therapy for your financial problems, and the only cure for being poor is more money. 

It has taken a toll on my mental health. I've walked down El Cajon Blvd. and have seen the homeless people sitting around the streets. The hopelessness that my financial situation has brought upon me allowed me to really empathize with them. And it's disturbing because when I gaze at the homeless, I really feel connected with them in a way that I can see myself becoming one in the near future if I don't fix my spending problems. I've walked past the banks that stand on the streets and felt as if the buildings were mocking me, provoking me to rob them. Adding on to the stress of school work and social pressures of college, the financial position that I put myself in has made me unmotivated and delirious.

It feels hazy when I walk through campus as an impoverished student. I feel detached from the university as if everything around me is an item with a price. I'm gradually losing my self-confidence and my ability to make convincing decisions. I can't perform tasks without going through the whole process in my head, making sure it won't cost me any money. I'm diving in and out of an ephemeral illusion controlled by an account balance, inducing social anxiety and self-made hallucinations. Some days I can't walk through Hepner Hall without the architecture of the building reminding me of my impoverished financial status that I have put myself in and some days I can't talk to strangers without fearing the monetary costs of a potential new friendship. I can't go a day without worrying about money. All the social aesthetics that I used to enjoy and excel at and all the academic responsibilities that I used to fulfill with confidence has become a constant endeavor for survival. 

I'm upset at myself because I have dug myself a hole too deep to crawl out. I've realized my problems too late and despite my efforts to resist my spending impulses, I still manage to spend my money on food outside of my meal plan and clothes from Urban Outfitters. It's a dire situation that I have put myself in, where I abuse the financial support of my parents and continue to worsen my impulsive behavior.

I'm desperately waiting for my next $100 allowance from my parents, and the time leading up to that payday is going to be hell. I have lost a sense of independence and sympathy. The only thing on my mind nowadays is money, money that I don't have. But I want to be able to pay my friends back, participate in social activities at my own expense without feeling guilty, save money for future investments, and reconnect myself to my parents and the world. I realize that I have an atrocious spending problem and I want to obtain the strength and ability to control myself and effectively budget. But I know that right now, I'm not there yet and I know that once I get that much-needed allowance and that same angry lecture on budgeting from my parents, I'm not going to change, I'm going to keep buying those $5 lattes.